Still under the weather... whatever that means.

Well, I was awake for a total of 16 hours this entire weekend and I'm still not well. That sucks. With such, I'm doing a half day at work, but will actually have to do a lot of work while I'm there. So, alas, another day without posted sarcasm :( However, I am opening this up. If you're just itching to mock some dumb item being hocked to the American (or really any) public, and you want to guest write. be my guest. Email me your write up at liabia@gmail.com and when I need a day off, you'll get a guest spot. Holla.

Anyway, sorry for the delay. Hopefully I'll be back on my game tomorrow. Til then the only product I'm frequenting is Dayquil... ick.

Executive Veto Power

As I am the president of this blog, I am vetoing today. I'm sick, kinda bummed out in life, and at work. Therefore, today doesn't exist according to this blog. Aka, I'm not posting. Stupid germs.

Be back on Monday.

Whatever happened to hitchhiking with a simple napsack?

Traveling light may still be en vogue, but long gone are the days of traveling simply. Oh no no. We cannot travel with the things we already own (gym duffels for suitcases etc)... no. That is entirely un-American in it's conservationism. We must own traveling gear, obviously. Things specifically for travel, whether it's suitcases or carry-ons, or travel-sized toiletries with accompanying baggies and neck pillows for the airplane etc. etc. The list goes on. You know what I'm talking about. And in fact, there is an entire industry built around these travel accessories.

However, I think these two take the idea of travel 'convenience' a bit far.

Tie Caddy

Wow, ya, wrinkly ties are a huge problem. When at home, this is usually remedied by the frequent washing/dry cleaning of them after a day's use. And traveling/sitting in an airplane chair is really hard on the tie..... wait. No, it's not. And no one dry cleans their ties that frequently... meaning they must not get that wrinkly from normal use. And it's not like people usually store ties somewhere that they're going to get dusty or dirty... unless you have mud floors in your closet, in which case I think you have bigger issues than dirty ties. This is just dumb. You don't need a tie-protector. Put it in the garbage with your pocket protector...nerd.

Inflatable Hangers

Ok, so basically, for $6 (plus S&H of course) you get hanger shaped balloons with hooks on the end. Fine. Two things though... one, are hangers SO big you can't pack a couple? Not even 2? What are you squishing in that bag that you can't fit in 2 plastic hangers if you really need them. Second... um... where are you going where you need hangers but they're not provided? Is your mother-in-law a hanger hoarding troll? Are you bringing your Armani that MUST be hung but staying in a hanger-fre motel 8? I'm puzzled. Every hotel I've been in has hangers available and NO ONE ever uses them. My only idea for these is that if your kids get really bored, you could fashion them into floaties with some duct tape and throw them in the pool for a bit. Oooo and the hooks could make them pirates... that'd actually be pretty awesome. Other than that - no go. Need a hanger? Walk to a dry cleaners and grab a few for free. Done and done.

Things he doesn't want...

Well my favorite holiday for stupid consumerism is fast approaching... Valentines Day. Don't think I'm bitter. I'm not, I think love is grand. However, I have an issue with using a day as an excuse to a)ask someone on a date (suck it up and just do it when you like them) b) flowers costing WAY more than they already do. c) dress up and go somewhere fancy when you'd be just as happy cuddling at home after eating Wendy's. Just saying.

But with this lovely annual event comes great gift-giving ideas. I mean, you JUST figured out what to get your significant other for Christmas. Even if they didn't make you return it, you're certainly out of good ideas. But msn shopping has some suggestions for him and for her.

I chose to check out the "For Him"... and if you have some money, the "Over $100" section.

So, there are some decent gifts here. However, these three, no. Just no. If you want to buy this, don't. Just give your man a check for $100 instead. Or buy him $100 in beer. Something useful.

A collectable of course
A beer watch. A watch dedicated to BAD beer none the less. It could only be worse if you wanted to pay nearly $150 for a Keystone watch. Also, this is a huge waste of funds for your Bud-loving hubby. This could buy about fourteen 12-packs. That's 168 beers. Any dude would trade a watch for that many beers, but especially one so dedicated to the cause of drinking. This also does not say 'I love you' or 'Please romance me' - not one bit.

Alright, next up is this lovely leather jacket. Which, if the 'artwork' was not included, might be a nice gift for your badass man. But this... man, this is why I don't miss the South somedays (just SOME days).

I decided to give you the lovely artwork view. The rest just looks like a leather jacket. But this - this epic airbrushing of Robert E. Lee, loser of the Civil War... man, beautiful. Nothing says I'm so glad we have a bi-racial president like the support of the confederacy. Of course, perhaps your biker hubby has a giant pony tail, in which case, this might be obscured a little. And we can't just go hiding freaking Robert E. Lee under a tuft of nappy biker hair. SO... getting him this jacket may actually encourage him to get a hair cut. If so... I guess you can buy it.

Lastly, and my most favorite valentines day gift for him... this lovely sportsman ring.

SO many good things about this. First, YOU might be expecting a nice piece of jewelry on V-Day, but you can bet he's not. What a surprise! Second, if he punches someone, they'll get a bass imprint on their face. Alternately, if his finger swells after that huge brawl, he will have "Gone Fishing" on his finger... backwards. Just as cool as a tattoo. And really, what doesn't say success like a HUGE gold-plated ring with onyx inlay with a jumping fish on it? And (I quote) it "also features raised relief treble-hook lures on each side of the ring." AND it's available in 3 easy enstallments of $45 each. A lay away fishing ring. Why is this not at every Wal-mart worldwide?
This ring has so many benefits. And not one drawback I can think of. This is the mens Valentines Day gift of 2009 for sure.

Disposable Sunshine

Well, if you're like me (and odds are you're not because I'm remarkably unique... or weird, or something), you're gearing up for spring. And spring means trips away from the snowy cold and down to the beach (woohoo!) However, you're probably REALLY pasty from hiding indoors for the last, oh, 3 to 6 months. You may even feel that you've gotten so pale you have become translucent. But luckily, totally fixable in an extremely silly and convenient way. Don't fret, another Home Shopping Network treasure awaits you.

TanTowels (or really, towelettes)

First, orange is a poor packaging color. We all know of this infamous orange glow (and I don't mean the As Seen on TV cleaning kind). This is not the thought you want to put in your consumer's minds when they're buying FAKE TAN. We don't want to look like... well... this.

It also should be noted that this doesn't last very long. It takes 4 hours and you have to reapply every couple days? How am I supposed to fit in my twice a day gym runs on a tanning schedule like that? Man, I'm never gonna hook up with a hot STD-laden frat boy like this!

Also, is it necessary to have all this packaging? I mean, I know it stains, so I kind of understand the disposable wipe thing. You'd end up throwing away whatever you use anyway (unless you just keep a tanning towel... not a bad plan), but the individually wrapped-ness of it? Dumb. These should not be packaged like other items, such as baby wet naps, condoms, or Emergen-C . Just saying. It would NOT bode well if confused with any of those options.... ew. Don't use your imagination.

In the end, this is apparently a horrible product. All reviews say it sucks and call for the return of the 'silver packet' ... whatever that might be. But if it makes me all shiny and glittery - i'll take it. At least then no one in sunny Florida will be able to see me in my bathing suit because they'll be blinded by my skin bling. Holla.

The basics of Tailgating

Well, football season is officially over. Not that REAL football season hasn't been over for awhile (*cough* college sports are infinitely better than pro *cough*... man, what a cold I've got!). But that just means that the seasons are changing. We're in the good part of college hockey (Beanpot! If you don't know what this is... wiki it or something... and Go Huskies! We have to win sometime, right?) and baseball season is right around the corner. And really, it's never too soon to be gearing up for the restart of college football (even if the Bulldogs are gonna suck because loyalty to teams is at an all time low - stupid selfish quarterbacks.). So in this vein, today is all about two products you're going to need to tailgate.

In case you're an amateur tailgater, let me explain. In some places (mostly where it's warm, but not necessarily), we like to go somewhere hours and hours before a game, get a decent parking spot, maybe a patch of grass or area in a parking lot, and we like to set up shop. I'm not talking a few lawn chairs. No. I mean full grills, tents, coolers, games of tag football, small-town socialization with those that you always meet at your set tailgating/parking area. So... to do this, we have some help.

One, the Cruzin Cooler

For one, Ellen featured this on her show. So that's cool. Second, this is an awesome way to make Grandma carry the beer. (well if she's gonna drink it, she should carry it, right?) If you're parking far away from your party site (perhaps you're joining friends with a bigger grill and better looking connections) this is a great way to get around. Favorite part? The acknowledgement you have to click on to get to the actual products on the website. You acknowledge, basically, that this is a cooler/powerwheels and not a real motor vehicle and that you shouldn't be an idiot on it. But if you are, you can't sue them. Bummer. But you can go 13 mph for up to 15 miles... on the electric (gas run cooler... ya, you heard me, gets up to 15 mph... on a cooler). BTW - don't let these run out of juice. They're like 60-100 lbs... Grandma certainly could not carry that home if the battery dies cause junior rode it around like a bronco.

THIS might be why your friends bought the scooter cooler. To get to your party if you're packing this kind of tailgating heat.

An entire outdoor kitchen

So... here it is. The full get up. Need a kitchen at your tailgating space, check. Also good if your wife kicks you out for being a drunken idiot, and you have to live in the backyard. Because you know what's behind that kitchen section? A door. To a sleeping area. That's right. Slide that futon mattress right in (no seriously, this is what they tell you to do) and rest comfortably. Just like in the 1950's when divorce was super taboo. How did Aunt Mertle put up with drunken Uncle Bob? She didn't. She put him in his camper cage and let him sleep it off. I particularly like the decor of it. Very retro. Almost cool even. And great for tailgating. I mean, sometimes you get sleepy pre-game. Perfect nap nook. Grill, eat, drink, nap, football - Awesome.

WMD Alert... Air.

First, this is a bit tardy. However - it's with good reason. Newborn babies, especially those bearing my lovely name, take preference over blogging. But luckily today I have some time to make up for my lack of posting yesterday. And it's a great toy I plan to give little Amelia one day. So that she can, well, wind away bullies?

Airzooka

So basically this is the toy that hippie parents give their little boys. It's kind of sad actually. It touts itself as a toy that will 'blow people away'... but doing things like messing up their hair. No really, that's part of the description... messy hair. I just can't imagine little boys (who can make weapons out of ANYTHING) choosing this for their cowboys and indians or teenage mutant ninja turtle reenactments. An example of this attempt is as follows:

Billy: I'll get you, evil doer. You will pay.
Matty: HA! You can't hurt me.
Billy: Oh ya? I will WIND you to death *woosh woosh (from the AirZooka)*
Matty:... um... ouch My wind-blow hair? (picks up stick and pretend stabs Billy who falls down dead) Hahaha, evil wins again!

Ya, seriously, I'm all about non-violence and whatnot. But if you're going to let your kids play with 'weapon' like things, just let them pretend that sticks are swords or guns. This air gun deal just makes them look like sissies. And it's basically like carrying around a bucket with a piece of plastic and string on it. Hard to conceal until you come upon the bad guy. I mean, how can you sneak past the guards when your weapon of choice is larger than your head? Not good planning really.