Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ho Ho Ho... just in time for the Holidays

Again, a sporadic but inspired posting.

So, lately I've been saying I need to go jeans shopping. The thing is... no one likes to go jean shopping. It's not fun like buying a new dress for an event, and jeans are rarely super flattering (often too long, too loose in the butt, too tight in the waist, too whatever in the whatever depending on the brand). I think the core reason is they're so mundane. It's like buying socks. No one gets excited to buy new everyday socks (hiking socks and fun colored knee socks are clearly exceptions). No one gets excited buying bread either - the every day things are generic and boring. Lucky for me... jeans no longer have to be boring.

Remember 1998? Remember how jeans were really low and shirts were not tunic length? Remember how this combination made high school administrators flip out and yell and how most guys had no complains over how you could see every girl's thong sticking right up out of their pants? Well... no need to break out your 10 year old thongs, ladies. Whale tales of denim are here for you.

I introduce to you.... Bikini Pants

Ho My God. Brasil... I expected nothing less from you really... but perhaps a little better. Lord this is a terrible terrible thing - in all possible colors. Please, seriously, do not buy these for Christmas, or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. Just say no. Or HO NO. That'll work too.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Back from the dead...

Though generally I have abandoned this blog for www.lettersfromlia.com ... I think for this one product, I had to make a new post.

There's really not much that needs to be said about the Snazzy Napper (www.snazzynapper.com)... so I'll let this video speak for itself.

Honestly, a nap burka? Really? I like that in some of these scenes she's at an airport... so a. You look muslim, which I've heard makes air travel tons o'fun, b. you're telling everyone you're sleeping and cannot see at all... not even a little bit... so feel free to take my bag, or place bombs in it, or whatever. Please, by all means, go for it.

This says nothing of how stupid you look. Though I do like the cloud and sheep touch... adorable. Perhaps this could be used as a baby blanket? But I'm not asking for one for my Christmas travel plans.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Protection you need at the Holidays

First, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. etc. etc.
Wow it's been a long time. Sorry guys - grad school is apparently time consuming or something. Who knew?

But alas, I made it through my first season in Minneapolis, and my first semester of school, and here I am back in Georgia for a week for Christmas before I head to Boston for New Years! I have found that when I'm in Georgia, it becomes a bit easier to find dumb products to write about. Perhaps it's just luck, or my keen eye for the absurdities of the South (I love it... but it's true)... and this week has been no exception. But this one, this one could certainly come in handy this time of year.

For many of you, you have been celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus with your family this week. You've exchanged gifts like Nintendo Wii's, expensive jewelry, and of course cold hard cash (just as the Magi's gave Jesus in the manger). And you may be thinking... how can I protect these assets? I mean, sure, I live in a quiet cul-de-sac in a gated community, and we have motion sensor lights and an alarm system on my mini-mansion. Or alternately you think, I live in the middle of the country side, where very few people can even locate my camouflage patterned trailer in the woods, but I feel unsafe every day in this socialist America... either way, you know more must be done to protect your new Christmas treasures. And it should definitely involve a shot gun (at least for the 30 million households that already have a shot gun in the home... and probably more).

But how? If an intruder were to burst into my home (perhaps even through the chimney), how would I ever get to my rifle fast enough to protect my new iPhone and toy hampsters? It's just too far all the way under my side of the bed! I would have to get out of bed to reach it! The horror!!!

Worry no more.

The BackUp
Although America is the greatest country in the world, the frightening reality is that Americans are not safe in their own homes."

Now you can intimidate, and even shoot intruders from the lying position. If you remain under the covers, this will surely protect you from any grotesque blood spatter, as well as any psychological scarring that would surely occur otherwise if you were in less relaxed stance. In addition, you can be sure to free up space on your night stand for your Jack Daniel's bottle and Fox News celebrity bobble head collection. As a bonus, your shot gun will be extremely accessible when your remote dies as you're flipping past those liberal media stations like CSPAN and ABC and would rather just destroy the TV than watch that until more batteries can be located.

I, for one, will be purchasing a Back Up for all my friends and family this year for their birthdays. My hope is that this will usher in a safer, more communist free America in 2010, and inspire millions of gun owners to realize the best place to fight for freedom and justice for the crazy minority is right from the comfort of their own beds.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Homeless by Design

So after getting back my accounting final today (I scored a sub-par 64 of 104)... I decided that perhaps I should just plan my life around being unemployed. And then I thought, hey, why not go all out? I should start prepping now for homelessness. I already have a collection of strange and heavily warn t-shirts from high school that I've been wearing as gym/pj shirts for years now (classy, I know). But what about bedding? Certainly my navy and white geometrically patterned duvet will not do on the streets. Nor will my gloriously rust colored sheets with small eyelets around the seams. They just won't do. But wherever can I get homeless appropriate home goods?

So this is a 'cardboard box' patterned duvet. It can be partnered with accompanying pillow cases (as shown), as well as sheets in a lovely stone sidewalk pattern, as seen below.

I can only imagine how bad ass this is to hipster teenagers in England. I mean, what makes passing out drunk and unbathed in your skinny jeans while listening to the Clash show more awesome dedication to the hipster, punk rawk lifestyle? AND some of the profits go to charity! So you can 'keep it real' and give your capitalistic proceeds to the less fortunate. Now you're a green/socially forward thinking hipster. OMG. You will be getting ALL the skinny hippie groupie girls into your homeless dude bed in no time. Fail proof plan really. Every self respecting girl on heroin has been begging to sleep on a fake sidewalk for years now. It's way better than passing out on a real one, I'm sure of it.

I guess I can't judge. It goes to a 'good cause,' which I'm a sucker for, of course. But really? Who did the product design on this? I do also admire that it addresses the quality of the image and print quality saying 'This high quality flat sheet features a photographic print of a pavement. This produces an extremely sharp image that stays flexible because the ink is printed directly in the cotton. The image will stay crisp after frequent washing.' *PHEW* I mean, I plan on washing my homeless person sheets ALL THE TIME. Just like the homeless do. I wouldn't want my cardboard box duvet to fade after I wash out the smell of clove cigarettes and PBR and replace it with the scent of mom's Downy fabric softener and dirty white kid dreadlocks. That would be horrible.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Solution to chronic anemia?

I'm coming out of pseudo-grad-school-induced-hiatus for this one. Seriously. Ever see that really creepy kid in high school who appeared as though they'd never ventured out except to sneak through the woods to their house to play Dungeons and Dragons? Ya, the one with severe vitamin D and K deficiencies... ever think they were a vampire? No? Ok... ever think they WISH they were a vampire? YES!

Of course. Because vampires are the hippest, sexiest things since fake boobs and crop tops in the early 90's and matching poofy bangs and sleeves in the 80's. Vampires, and their blood drinking ways, have grasped America by the throat (perhaps only figuratively... for now).

Now, some logical people might think that it's borderline irresponsible to even humor vampire emulation in adolescents. These people are anti fangs and neck biting and Twilight vampire family incest. But those people are boring. And clearly not going to make huge sums of money from milking (or bleeding) this trend for all it's worth. Luckily, the company who made this was not made of such logical, reasonable, overly conservative folks.

Yup. Blood Energy Potion will be on the market January 2010. You can pre-order this punch flavored blood-replica for $6 a pouch. Blood replica you ask? What does that mean? Oh, just that ingesting this concoction will give you the same 'nutritional' value of real human blood. Protein, iron, electrolites... and the same consistency as blood. Advertised as giving you the "real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!"MMMM just what I was looking for in my next refreshing beverage! Although I honestly can't wait to see middle school bus floors littered with IV bags... I'm sure that won't alert the 'zero tolerance' police at all!

Don't be too alarmed, the company assures me it's not real blood, just synthetic. In case we were worried that Obama's communist dictatorship made the FDA release human blood... we're assured they did not.

Although I can't see myself purchasing this one, you never know. If I'm ever in a vampire costume triathlon, this might be just what I need to get through all that sun exposure. Could come in handy for practical jokes as well.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Because plunging wasn't fun...

So I admit it, I like some good bathroom humor from time to time. I may have the maturity of a 10 year old, but to me, farting is still funny and any story where someone is embarrassed by being accidentally and/or suddenly naked is hilarious. Judge me if you must. 

But this is why THIS thing looks both disgusting and awesome. 

Ok.... so imagine you have a nice dinner party. Everyone is mingling, socializing, sipping on frou frou drinks and eating teeny weeny quiches and stuffed mushrooms you pretended to make from scratch but really just bought frozen from Trader Joe's. You even may have managed to start having a good time at your own party (which is no small feat, in my opinion). But then a guest approaches you and whispers about a dark, evil, and unfortunate circumstance. The main toilet is clogged. This guest, of course, 'doesn't know who's fault it was' because 'it was like that when [she] went to use it.' But fault is not going to help anyone. The party cannot go on for much longer without a working commode. Only dirty frat parties, and about 2 of every 5 bars in Boston,  can do without proper bathrooms. What do you do?

Well... most people put a giant XXXL tshirt over their cocktail dress, or roll up their oxford sleeves and grab the plunger. It's a gross, smelly and all around unpleasant job, but it must be done. Suction cupping the toilet it is. But what if you had another way? A way that involved a gun like object? This does sound more fun... and you could definitely convince your 10 year old to come down from playing Wii upstairs and try to shoot water at poop (... seriously, it sounds stupid, but you totally know its true. Boys love to shoot things. Especially gross things). 

But I have a few questions. One... why is this ladies' toilet so weird? Does your toilet go straight down??? Ya... mine neither. Two... does it sound like an  incredibly poor idea to anyone else that this product "Draws water into its cylinder" from the said clogged toilet? Uh... gross! Thankfully this last one is remedied because the Johnny Jolter (after you draw in water, and blast down the 'clogging item,' if you will) can be full disassembled for cleaning. 

So... basically you:
1. draw up poo water 
2. shoot poo water forcefully (possibly numerous times)
 and then 
3. get the fun job of washing this thing by hand

 Something tells me if this picture were of, well, an actually clogged toilet, or if it was of step 3, this lady would not be so pleasantly smirking about this process. 

Ya know, as cool as a toilet gun may SOUND... I think I'd rather just put on my XXXL, plunge it, wash my hands and get back to eating my mushy mini quiche. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If I had an iron, I'd iron my breakfast meats...wait, what?

So, as you may know, I'm a huge proponent of cooking. And I lust after kitchen gadgets like frat dudes on spring break. Seriously, it's bad. My level of resistance to new pans/pots/measuring cups/pizza stones/pot holders/garlic presses (you see the problem here...) is quite low. If I read a blog about a kind of cake, I want to try out making this cake and I must buy the new pan for it. But even I have my limitations and today I found it. 

While perusing Surlatable.com (I was looking at pretty canning jars for storage and cast iron skillets), I found a bacon press. A bacon press? Wait... what? You can iron your bacon? Yes... yes you can. 

Apparently the biggest tragedy in breakfast foods and bacon-added sandwiches is the wrinkles of the bacon. And a regular old grill press (see here ...they use them at restaurants to cook your burgers faster) will not do. No no no. What if we need to cook our bacon and the burger at the same time??? We cannot press them both! And I cannot possibly eat one more sandwich with wrinkly bacon that cracks ununiformly when I bite it. 

Also, clearly bacon needs to be reminded that it used to be a pig. And that now it has been stripped, salted and now pressed into submission as my food. So we like to remind it with a cute little piggy emblem that will sear onto the bacon. Hahaha take that. It's like the waterboarding of meat products - gotta show them who runs this kitchen !

I'd like 3 please. My birthday is July 25th, just in case you didn't already have it highlighted on your calendar.