When Feminism Just Goes Too Far

So some people have proposed products I should write about that are... how do I put this... extremely personal in nature. And perhaps in the future I will address these (I better, right Christine?)... but for now, perhaps this will ween us into the idea of talking about these very personal habits and experiences.


Not to be confused with Go-gurt (which is also funny)

Go Girl

To clarify, yes, this a funnel so that girls can pee standing up. Yup. That's it. A disposable funnel. You pee in to the cup, while standing, and now you're as free as a man. Right? Right. (please take a moment here to be glad I spared you any instructional videos, both for marketing and usage.)

I think perhaps that even more than the absurdity of this product, I love the website. Just from the homepage is a favorite... when addressing the question of, well, who the heck would use this item? This is who:

"If you camp, you’ll love GoGirl. If you ski, you’ll love GoGirl. If you boat, you’ll love GoGirl. If you travel, you’ll love GoGirl. If you just want to avoid the germs you find in nasty public toilets, you’ll love GoGirl."

Ooo, well then I'll love GoGirl! My thing is, if you love to ski and can't manage to find a bathroom (man or woman)... you have issues. And if you boat... jump in the water and pee til your heart (or bladder) is content. And if you camp, well, then you learned how to squat a long time ago, like billions of women over the last few thousand years have. Do you think Sacajawea or Joan of Arc needed a GoGirl to do their business out in the wilderness? Probably not. I'll side with them over a pink funnel I think.

My other question is the marketing of this product. Tag line... "Because life's greatest adventure shouldn't be finding a bathroom." Well of course not. In fact, if you need one of these, you're probably already on a much more fascinating and enjoyable adventure. Also, it's actually quite more adventurous to just try to 'go' outside without a gadget. In addition - pink. Why pink? Why not just plain old white. Or yellow? Or green - is it 'green' friendly? I dunno, probably not due to it's disposable nature. It makes me think of breast cancer awareness ... and I don't want to pee on a cancer fundraising item.

Overall, this is an interesting idea. I suppose it does make some things easier. Certainly less gross in certain port-a-potty situations. But if you haven't learned to hover and squat by the time you're a grown woman, well, you need to slap your mom. These skills are part of the very few things EVERY mother much teach their daughter. I guess I'd probably skip this one, but if you're a germaphobe this may be the way to go. Just don't let anyone open the port-a-potty door on you. It would be totally weird to see a 'lady' standing up to go and not assume...well... you know.

You'll Poke Your (pet's) Eye Out!

First, hope you all had a fabulous President's Day. If you didn't have the day off.... well... sorry. Sucks to be you. I sat on the couch watching the History Channel (about the presidents, obviously) most of the day and it was wonderful. But alas, we're back to the grind now.

Now, I've talked about stupid pet products before. And I usually don't like to harp on the same thing too often, but I actually saw someone who used this product the other day and it astonished me.

As a background, let me say, it has been QUITE windy in Boston lately. And with all the salt/sand stuff they toss down when it snows, the roads are just covered in grit now that most of the snow/ice stuff has melted. Dirt and sand everywhere + wind = ouch! It really does whip up, and it really does hurt your face when it hits you. And you really should close your eyes. Luckily... your body automatically does this on its own. This is a basic mammalian instinct. So why dogs need help with this, I'm not sure. But one little Bostonian pooch did, and it was stupid.

Doggles

I chose this picture instead of the more regal lab picture they have on the website because THIS is more similar to the type of dog I saw on the streets of Brighton. It also had a rain coat like get up on.. but we'll ignore even that for the purpose of mocking these doggie goggles. Now, I don't wear glasses. And I rarely even wear goggles when swimming (I'm still getting used to them)... and I seem to keep my eyes in tact just fine. I haven't poked them out, nor have I gotten any debris lodged in my eye.

But according to the site, you NEED doggles for a few reasons.
1. "Unlike ordinary sunglasses for dogs, Doggles actually protect dog’s eyes from
foreign objects, wind, and UV light."
- wind? really? you need to be protected from air? no.

2. "Dogs have a much wider nose bridge than humans, along with protruding eyes. You
need a goggle designed specifically to fit a dog's unique face structure."
- oh, so this is for all of you dog owners who have previously been SO consumed with protecting your puppies eyes from wind and sun that you've tried to latch a pair of swimming goggles on him... only to probably injure and annoy him.

3. "Vets and Vet Ophthalmologists all around the world
recommend our product."
- Ok, so there are Vet Ophthalmologists? Some of the brightest minds of our generation going to school for years upon years to look at your golden retriever's eyes? Really? We haven't cured cancer or AIDS or even world hunger and we have a whole career path based on the eye sight of pets? I dunno if I'm disgusted or amazed.

Sweeter than Sugar... should be for a grand

So for you 30 Rock watchers, this will make much more sense (if you don't watch, you should. Not home on thursdays? Watch it on Hulu.com whenever you like) Well as I was watching I wondered... could I really buy (and eat!) a dessert worth $1000? The answer... yes. Yes I can. In fact, about once a month someone does.

Seredipity 3 in NYC sells the sundae that is pretty directly alluded to in the most recent 30 Rock. And it's almost as silly as Jack says it is (although no, they haven't managed to have edible 25 carat gold.... only 23).

Opulence Sundae (the $1000 guilt trip)

Ironically, the rest of the menu is pretty modest. $9 appetizers, $20-35 entrees... not so bad. But once a month or so, someone calls 2 days in advance (yes, this is required) to require this dessert that costs more than my car is worth. The sundae is covered in 23-carat edible gold leaf (ya... for real. Can't get some jewelry from your husband for v-day... drown your sorrows by EATING it). And if you're not doing the whole "eat local" thing, that's good because it also has vanilla and chocolate from Tahiti, Madagascar and Venezuela (ooo international).

And don't think you're eating this out of grandma's icecream dish with a spoon licked by other patrons. No no. First it features a mother of pearl spoon of caviar. But you dont eat with this (God forbid... who eats caviar with icecream anyways? Ew). You eat your international ice cream out of a Baccarat crystal goblet (that you get to keep... in case you wanna plop some $4 Ben and Jerry's in it tomorrow) with an 18 carat gold spoon.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a little indulgence in the dessert realm. I may actually eat some cheesecake for dinner tonight (man that sounds good on my sore throat... maybe not for my diet though... hmmm). But $1000? Eating gold? Would that even be tasty? What wine do you order with gold? And I can't imagine getting it after an $11 BLT on Challah bread or a $14 "Chili-Cheese" Crepe. I don't think the metal would settle well. It certainly would give me wallet indigestion. I'll let you know how it is though when I marry rich, no worries.

Happy commercial love day everyone - have a good weekend!

Hunka hunka burnin' love... meatlovers style

It's been under great discussion lately what it is about Valentine's Day that convinces so many people to play into it. Is it just the hype? Does it play upon our insecurities that we aren't loved as much as the next person? Do flowers and teddy bears and wearing heels and dresses out to an expensive dinner prove anything about the quality of our relationship? There's a lot of serious societal questions here. But one this is for sure... no matter why it happens, there are A LOT of Valentine's Day themed items out there.

Heart shaped paper clips, and candles, and notepads. Heart shaped wallets, and pillows, and of course candies. You can even go out to a nice dinner and order a heart shaped cake to stick your pretty little heart shaped diamond ring in if you're gonna pop the question.

Thankfully the pervasive shaping of our culture on Feb. 14th does not stop there. Wanna stay in with your honey on V-day? Or single and want to mope on the couch while watching When Harry Met Sally and crying quietly into your crappy delivery dinner? You can!

Heart Shaped Pizza

In case you can't read it... that's TWO heart shaped pizzas for $20 OR you can get dessert with a heart shaped piza for $15. Not a bad deal. I think I'm gonna buy one just so I can say I dissected a heart this weekend! Also, if you burn your tongue, you can just say you got heart-burn. Man, so punny.

But if you're too sad over your break up to cook... careful about ordering this lovey-dovey option. It's thin crust so it may not be able to hold up to your flood of tears. But it would be really fun to offer it to a friend by singing a little janis... 'take another little piece of my heart.' Too bad that "Pizza will not be cut to preserve novelty of Heart Shape."... man that's gonna be hard to eat in one big piece. Hahaha. Dumb, and I totally want one.

Bonus for the day...

So I think I'll be posting about a product later... but I wanted to offer you loyal readers a little bonus site to peruse of ridiculous foods. I'd suggest going through the entire site. There's only about 6 or 7 pages... but they are chock full of amazingly absurd foods and food combos... http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

Amazing! Enjoy! (Not to be consumed with Baconaise or Happy Meal Pizza... well.... maybe just ONE slice of Happy Meal Pizza...)

Stop looking at my laptop!

So these days I'm getting a lot of 'private' emails from graduate schools involving all kinds of 'sensitive' information from my social security number to my GPA to just about every thing I've ever done in my life (those applications are thorough!). So I can understand why one wouldn't want the guy in the next plush chair at Starbucks reading everything on your screen. And we can't all have those extra screens like at the clinic (have you seen these?) where everything looks blurry unless you're perfectly square to the screen. They seem a bit bulky. But this... man oh man... NOT a real invention.

Lapstix

So you remember those paper fans that little girls played with when you were 7? The ones that were usually covered in Japanese ladies and cherry blossoms and broke when you moved them? Ya... so imagine you designed a couple of these with whatever design you wanted (ooooooo...) and then had a company print 2 of them up for you so you could parade around with that pretty design hooked to your laptop! OR... imagine buying a bunch with your company logo on them and giving them out in some weird nerd conference swag bag (as if you'd know what size to buy everyone for their laptop... eh, probably just the 15" macbook pro is a good bet) and then when they use them, your (and I quote from the website) "logo will be the size of a grapefruit" and you'll be 'lapvertising' (btw... careful, the verb 'lapvertise' is a registered trademark of the Lapstix company, not something that may or may not happen at really low budget strip clubs).

Brilliant. It's what I've always wanted to carry around in my laptop case and be infinitly careful not to crush. Although on a day I want to look both rainbow colored and coy... in case I'm flirting with a hot individual at a gay pride parade (which I don't think would work out so well for me)... these would definitely come in handy.

Text-eriffic Tools

First, thanks for bearing with me during these last few days I've had to take off from making fun of the world. Apparently being sarcastic and cynical all the time doesn't prepare you for viruses of death. But alas, I'm coming around finally. And thanks to some of y'all (ya, that's right, I said it), I have some great product suggestions stored up. (today is thanks to Will... I can't believe you actually got these as a gift).

(Less than) Awe-thumb

Ya... so this product is to help you text. In case you're getting horrible pains from those 15,000 messages to your BFF Jill (or Rose... whichever), this will solve your problem. Instead of just putting down the freaking thing, you should slide on these rubber thumb slings and tap away. I think it's kind of like an ace bandage brace for your thumb. It's just to hold everything in place so you don't strain yourself. Which is great, because goodness knows there's a lot of straining and reaching to get to that 'Q' key on your blackberry. *Phew* what a work out! No need to go to the gym now, you've burned at least negative 2 calories texting for the last thirty minutes.

I'm also excited that now we can 'unleash the power' of our technological devices. This doesn't sound terrifying at all. Just saying, if you use these 'awe-thumbs' and your blackberry attacks you in your sleep, it's probably your fault for unleashing it. Very dangerous. Personally, I think Ill keep my devices well leashed, and perhaps, if I'm getting carpal tunnel from texting, i'll just turn off the phone and go talk to people in person. I know - I'm a radical.

And really - if you need a brace for your texting, how are you EVER going to win a good old fashioned thumb war? Lame.