Chopping Shopping Network

So I've been doing weightwatchers lately... to some success. Not that I'm obese, but ya know, it helps me eat better and know what I'm putting in my body. And of course the peak of diet-y health foods is salad. (of course, this doesn't count if you coat your salad in buttermilk ranch and throw in 3 types of lunch meats, eggs and a pound of cheddar... mmmm cobb salad...) anyways, salads. All the diet rage, for obvious reasons , which, if you need to hear all these glorious reasons, google 'eating raw.' Read literature from the crazies that go on about how eating raw foods is the way God intended it to be and how healthy they are... if it doesn't make you go raw and lose weight, it may make you go vomit up that ranch drenched salad because of how hippie ridiculous they are. Either way really.

Lucky for us, there is a tool to make those tragically difficult salads easier. I mean, who can use a knife AND cutting board to make a meal? SO exhausting! And don't you ALWAYS cut yourself trying to cut tomatoes? Me too! What a pain. No one wants bloody tomatoes (unless you often serve vampires, in which case, stick with what you're doing) But for the rest of us the home shopping network's got it covered.

FreshPrep Toss & Chop Salad Tool
(what a mouthful... and we haven't even made the salad yet!)

Ok, so what we have here is a combination of: kitchen sheers, garden pruners, a scoop and TWO knives. Now I can kind of see sheers... if you're cutting raw meat. But you're not. And the spring is straight from the small hedge trimmers my grandmother prunes her roses with... not kitchen worthy or needed. The scoop? So you can scoop up stuff in the bowl to then chop it, because God forbid we use that $2 cutting board we all own. And the double knives? Well... just for looks really.
I'd HIGHLY suggest watching at least a few minutes of the video on the site though. The best part is how excited they are! Look, it's fun! I've never seen ANYTHING like this! WOW, you can mix and cut in one bowl? Chopped salad JUST like a restaurant! It's really amazing how little it takes to amaze us. Heck, for 17 dollars, plus 6 dollars shipping in handling, I'll just head over to Chili's and have someone chop my salad for me. Problem solved.

It's not easy being green

For me, 'going green' is kind of tough. I mean, I drive a high mpg car (my little '96 civic is still doing just fine), and I use public transportation a lot, and I recycle. Those are easy. But buying greener cleaning products, and using rags and not paper towels (which I then have to pay over $3 a load to wash) just isn't happening right now. It's too expensive. Even just literally 'greening' my apartment I bought all our tiny house plants at Ikea for $2. But ya know, I've always loved the idea of having carpet that is grass (ever since I read Stranger in a Strange Land - read it if you haven't, it's good). And now, I can toss out my nasty bath mats and have just that!

Natural Carpet

Doesn't that look plush? Well... it probably is. And mossy. Cause, well, it's moss. It is made of bumps of 3 different types of moss in order to make that aesthetically pleasing pattern of light greens, dark greens and white spots (glamorous and artistic). Sadly, it only works in the bathroom because it needs a lot of moisture (I'd like to keep it everywhere).

But I do have one big issue with it... when I get in, it's fine. If I get a little moss between my toes, well, who cares? Feels neat and I'm showering anyways. But what about when you get out? Even if there's no dirt... there is no way I won't get moss stuck to my feet. And that mossy smell too. Ew... I mean, why did I just wash those toes? They're just gonna smell like dirty mold from my rug anyways right? I mean, we have enough problem trying not to traipse snow water and salty sand gunk though the house. Imagine if every time I got out of the shower I walked in mossy mushy green stuff? Makes grass stains look easy to get out of socks, that's all I gotta say.

Still.... it's very cool. If only we could get that wall to wall carpet grass thing rockin, I'd totally be into it. That way the moss stains wouldn't matter! And hey - you'd know if your boyfriend hadn't been showering regularly if his moss was dying... a good red flag for grossness in a friend. Perhaps a good gift for that dirty hippie you want to encourage to bathe just a tid bit more often.

(by the way, thanks Adam for the tip... and for your nerdy articles about weird stuff! If I lived in Augusta GA, I'd be bored too...:P)

Almost as fun as the old school metal slinky...

Today, after a so-so feeling mba interview and doctor's appointment, I'm taking a day off. I leave you with this though, from one of my favorite websites. This one's about one of the best products ever invented.... I still love it.

Sell out with me tonight, Sell Out!

So most of you know me, so you know I majored in music industry. And as I'm a temp at a hospital, many of my classmates are merch girls and boys. What's a merch girl? Well, you know that perky girl hocking $25 Kings of Leon t-shirts and giving out promo stickers with the opener's name on it so you remember who the heck they were? That's a merch kid. Generally they work for free and get to hear the show from wherever the table is. Glamorous.

Anyways, the only way this could be interesting if you're selling something weird. And I mean more weird than kids books (a la Dar Williams) or jig saw puzzles (a la Belle and Sebastian). I mean like some of these objects...

If the Beatles were Russian

Now I know... it's the Beatles. They could have toilet paper printed with an album cover on each square (oh hey - the I already have the White Album on every one of mine!) and people would buy it. And keep it. But you have to admit, this is a bit weird. And the number of 'dolls'? Hmmm... right. Ok. Moving on...

People do fall on their 'bullocks' a lot while snowboarding

So you're a big Green Day fan? Show it off on the lift. Or the sweet tat-like Guns N Roses get up. Or get the neon yellow Sex Pistols board... which is my personal fave. Are these good snow boards? Well, let's just say probably not. I'm guessing you could find better board to hit the slopes with. But really, if you're old enough to have bought a Sex Pistols or Ramones album when they hit the shelves, you are probably WAY too old to be a good snow boarder without killing yourself. Sorry. (this would also be a pain in the butt to sell as a merch kid... where do you display a snowboard?)

Making bath time lots of fun!

Man, I love bath toys. And this site has quite a few 'rubber duckies' worth noting. I'm not sure how long this link will be accurate (but I couldn't find a better one) so I'm gonna just show you all the rubber duckies you can buy!!! (James Brown ducky even sings... holla!)

Snoop Duck?

Duckies of Oz? (Wicked Witch sold separately.... no really)

I wanna squeak and float all night, and suds up every day! - Kiss Ducky

Singing James Brown Ducky... Owww!

I call for (a) toast!

Sometimes you just stumble upon a theme of silly things. They're not as obvious as the commercialization of our 44th prez, but they are still remarkably weird. This week, it was toasters. Not even their more versatile cousins toaster ovens... nope. Plain old one slice a semi-burned bread toasters. My $10 cute red toaster works fine... why would I need something more exotic? Who knows, but they're out there if you want them. And I have two to share.

The first is the super stylish, multicolored, and horribly uncreatively named, Six Part Toaster

Apparently no one has purchased this snazzy item, since this is the only photo I can find of it anywhere. But it really is pretty cool. I mean, if you have 5 friends, and you all want toast with the big vat of eggs your just scrambled up... you can all have it, and it'll be hot at the same time. For those 4 seconds that toast stays hot. Very important.
But I might still buy this if I had a lot of counter space. I mean, it's retro and futuristic... and who doesn't want a little envelope caddy for their toasted slice of 12 grain? I know I do. It's the multi-fannie pack of breakfast foods!

The other strange toaster I found is the Transparent ToasterOf course the hitch here is that this isn't real...yet. It's a sample that doesn't ACTUALLY toast bread yet (they haven't quite figured out how to get the glass that hot and not make you want to die if you touch it). However, it's really a clever idea. With this, you can tell if your toast is burning WITHOUT popping it up every 20 seconds, or having to salvage your overly crunch slice by scraping it with a steak knife..... I'm not the only one who does that am I? If so..., well, it's a good idea guys! Don't waste food! Anyways, I might actually buy this one. They might need to make a dual model (for bagels or whatever), but its a good thought. Although I'm wondering how gross that might look after about 10 uses... I mean, have you seen the inside of your microwave lately? Ew... seriously, clean that thing, ok?

Well that's my interesting kitchen toasting mechanisms for the day... have a great weekend, and I'll be back mocking consumerism on Monday. Thanks for reading and being encouraging, by the way, it makes it way more fun to write knowing y'all do find this stuff funny.

Why get a vegetable basket when you can have a whole plant?

Today's item comes from the beloved SkyMall. Man, ever since I forgot my ipod on a trip to Spain (that's a LONG flight of listening to Swiss Air's interesting collection of music they call 'Rock'), I've been in love with SkyMall. It's shopping and comedy all in one. If it came with a decent snack (no thanks, no more dog biscuit like cookies for me), it'd be the perfect companion. Not that I know anyone who has ever purchased anything from it... but it's like window shopping on Newbury (for you Boston folks). You know you won't buy anything, but it's a little fun to look anyways.

If you've surfed these pages of dog stairs and water balloon travel weights and strange lawn decor (wow, there are some great lawn sculptures, so classy) then you know what I'm talking about. This is a treasure trove of ridiculousness. So as I was browsing I found this lovely kitchen item...

AeroGarden... also to be found at http://www.aerogrow.com/

So here's the schtick. You buy this system for around $130-$200 dollars, you buy nutrient pellets , seed packets ($20 alone) and watering accessories, you pay for the electricity to run it, and tada - you can grow stuff in your house instead of outside where God already pays for the sun and the rain and the dirt.

The theory here is actually great. You want garden fresh homegrown food all year long? You got it. But the cost/benefit analysis (glamorous business speak for... is it worth it?) is weak for a few reasons.

1) If you have a yard, you don't need this. Even in the winter, you can build a coldframe or do some growing on a heated porch, if need be. So, these must be for those of us who are apartment dwellers. You know why most of us live in apartments? Because we can't afford a place with a yard! So $200 is probably not in my budget to grow just one tomato plant, or a jug of petunias.

2) I live in a small space (as most apartments tend to be)... where would you suggest I put this contraption? Perhaps onto of my microwave. My jalepenos would be both organic and radioactive from all the heat lamp waves and microwaves. They'd probably be hotter that way though... which would be a slight bonus.

3) To make one salad, you'd need a whole factory of these things. One for lettuce, one for tomatoes, one for peppers or other veggies... and if you can afford 4 or 5 of these (close to a grand), I'm pretty sure you can afford to just buy fancy organic tomatoes from Whole Foods for around $7 a bunch.

4) Where does that top part attach to anything? Does it dangle from the ceiling? Do i have to plug this in? I feel like the website leads you believe that this piece is magic or a hovercraft. I mean, look at this picture. Does the tomato plant have a grow lamp halo? 'Cause there is certainly no cord going from the ceiling above the kitchen island to this device. (if it does not hover in mid-air, i'm totally suing for fall advertising... someone photoshopped out the cord)

5) Favorite quote from a review... "If you are looking for a smart low maint. garden right there in your kitchen" .... who is really looking for a garden in their kitchen without being solicited by this product? No one. Because that'd be like looking for your frying pan out by the back fence. It's not where you're supposed to keep it.

6) No dirt.... but you have nutrient pellets. Soilent green anyone? If that is not creepy, I'm not really sure what is.

College attire at it's finest... or could it be more?

*Before we start, I'd like to say part of yesterday's post went missing. I re-wrote it... so now it makes sense and doesn't just skip over a section. Sorry about that!*

I don't miss being in college most days. I mean, the schedule was kinda nice. But really? I could do without the loud drunken neighbors and non-english speaking economics professors. But I do miss wearing jeans (or even sweat pants) and a sweat shirt to class and having that be both acceptible and appropriate for the event. Dress pants and khakis and ironing... ick. Day in and day out I cannot wait to get home and dress comfortably again. I mean, in college, you co uld even go out to your local bar and be in a sweat shirt... especially this one.

Beer Bottle Hoodie

There's a few reasons I find this product funny. First and foremost is that the site selling them knows that this product will be adored by (and forgive my harsh language) frat-tastic deuchbags all over this great nation. Although stated in somewhat sarcastic fashion (yes, I can detect this quite well)... it's pretty accurate. The purchasers of this type if thing will think it's wonderful that they can hold three beers at once, or high five a fellow bro-man, or booty-text the less than pristine girl they've been taking out with college dining dollars their mom put on their id card. And I'm not even going to harp on the whip cream thing. Really? Come on kids.

My thoughts here are that this could be marketed completely differently. Still ridiculous... fine. But this insulated beverage container pocket could appeal to a much wider group of people.... and ones who spend more money than college guys on clothes: Moms. All moms (even terrifying elk-hunting hockey moms) need another hand right? Toddler leash in one hand, pushing a designer frog stroller or whatever those are with the other... where are you going to put the baby bottle? Or your Starbucks grande iced soy mocha latte (not sure that's even a thing... but i'm guessing it is)? Or perhaps you could store extra pacifiers in there? I mean, kangaroos seem to function great with a pouch... to heck with evolution. We must need pouches too.

I say we re-design this shirt. Make it into a biased cut wrap shirt (to cover the mom pooch.. gotta be flattering) and put two of those little pouches on the side like holsters. Ready to go. Pre-warmed bottle for junior on one side, flask of kahlua for that mocha later for you on the other... ready for another day of shopping, pilates and calling the nanny. It's the next big thing- I'm calling it. Insulated beverage pouches are the new yogalates. Or the new black. Or maybe the new black yogalates? Whatever.