Monday, September 28, 2009

Solution to chronic anemia?

I'm coming out of pseudo-grad-school-induced-hiatus for this one. Seriously. Ever see that really creepy kid in high school who appeared as though they'd never ventured out except to sneak through the woods to their house to play Dungeons and Dragons? Ya, the one with severe vitamin D and K deficiencies... ever think they were a vampire? No? Ok... ever think they WISH they were a vampire? YES!

Of course. Because vampires are the hippest, sexiest things since fake boobs and crop tops in the early 90's and matching poofy bangs and sleeves in the 80's. Vampires, and their blood drinking ways, have grasped America by the throat (perhaps only figuratively... for now).

Now, some logical people might think that it's borderline irresponsible to even humor vampire emulation in adolescents. These people are anti fangs and neck biting and Twilight vampire family incest. But those people are boring. And clearly not going to make huge sums of money from milking (or bleeding) this trend for all it's worth. Luckily, the company who made this was not made of such logical, reasonable, overly conservative folks.

Yup. Blood Energy Potion will be on the market January 2010. You can pre-order this punch flavored blood-replica for $6 a pouch. Blood replica you ask? What does that mean? Oh, just that ingesting this concoction will give you the same 'nutritional' value of real human blood. Protein, iron, electrolites... and the same consistency as blood. Advertised as giving you the "real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!"MMMM just what I was looking for in my next refreshing beverage! Although I honestly can't wait to see middle school bus floors littered with IV bags... I'm sure that won't alert the 'zero tolerance' police at all!

Don't be too alarmed, the company assures me it's not real blood, just synthetic. In case we were worried that Obama's communist dictatorship made the FDA release human blood... we're assured they did not.

Although I can't see myself purchasing this one, you never know. If I'm ever in a vampire costume triathlon, this might be just what I need to get through all that sun exposure. Could come in handy for practical jokes as well.