Friday, December 25, 2009

Protection you need at the Holidays

First, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. etc. etc.
Wow it's been a long time. Sorry guys - grad school is apparently time consuming or something. Who knew?

But alas, I made it through my first season in Minneapolis, and my first semester of school, and here I am back in Georgia for a week for Christmas before I head to Boston for New Years! I have found that when I'm in Georgia, it becomes a bit easier to find dumb products to write about. Perhaps it's just luck, or my keen eye for the absurdities of the South (I love it... but it's true)... and this week has been no exception. But this one, this one could certainly come in handy this time of year.

For many of you, you have been celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus with your family this week. You've exchanged gifts like Nintendo Wii's, expensive jewelry, and of course cold hard cash (just as the Magi's gave Jesus in the manger). And you may be thinking... how can I protect these assets? I mean, sure, I live in a quiet cul-de-sac in a gated community, and we have motion sensor lights and an alarm system on my mini-mansion. Or alternately you think, I live in the middle of the country side, where very few people can even locate my camouflage patterned trailer in the woods, but I feel unsafe every day in this socialist America... either way, you know more must be done to protect your new Christmas treasures. And it should definitely involve a shot gun (at least for the 30 million households that already have a shot gun in the home... and probably more).

But how? If an intruder were to burst into my home (perhaps even through the chimney), how would I ever get to my rifle fast enough to protect my new iPhone and toy hampsters? It's just too far all the way under my side of the bed! I would have to get out of bed to reach it! The horror!!!

Worry no more.

The BackUp
Although America is the greatest country in the world, the frightening reality is that Americans are not safe in their own homes."

Now you can intimidate, and even shoot intruders from the lying position. If you remain under the covers, this will surely protect you from any grotesque blood spatter, as well as any psychological scarring that would surely occur otherwise if you were in less relaxed stance. In addition, you can be sure to free up space on your night stand for your Jack Daniel's bottle and Fox News celebrity bobble head collection. As a bonus, your shot gun will be extremely accessible when your remote dies as you're flipping past those liberal media stations like CSPAN and ABC and would rather just destroy the TV than watch that until more batteries can be located.

I, for one, will be purchasing a Back Up for all my friends and family this year for their birthdays. My hope is that this will usher in a safer, more communist free America in 2010, and inspire millions of gun owners to realize the best place to fight for freedom and justice for the crazy minority is right from the comfort of their own beds.