Friday, February 27, 2009

Man Oh Man

First, I'm bad at this daily thing. I should've named this blog "Ridiculous Product of Most Days"... alas, I did not. Nothing I can do now. However, if I'm feeling a little down and need a good pick me up, I CAN put on some control top panty hose and strut my hot stuff. It always makes a girl feel better to look awesome (even if it means being a bit confined). Lucky for you gentlemen, or dudes if you're more of that persuation, this option is coming your way.

Got a flubby tummy? Maybe even a muffin top? *gasp* No longer.

Ya, this tummy-tucking man girdle shirt makes you SO sexy that girls will not be able to keep themselves away from you. Of course, it's entire job is to conceal that gut you've acquired from downing a 30 rack of Budlights every weekend (I know, it's light... it's not weightless and we both know it). So I'm not really sure that this photo really shows you a good representation.
You know who SHOULD be modeling this product? NFL defensive linemen. That dude from King of Queens. The kid who did the Truffle Shuffle in The Goonies. Peter Griffin. Or these dudes...

Putting this shirt on a lean, muscly guy is just about as scientifically significant as putting Spanx on Giselle. I can be honest, I have a bit more tummy to keep in than she does. That's fine. Put a normal, softer woman on the ad to convince me that this product will make my tummy flat as a board. Same goes here. Don't show me a 6-packed dude to prove it can make my guy svelt. Put it on a round belly and see if it does the job (or at least makes an improvement). That's a real test.
Although honestly guys, would you realy wear this? I've found men don't like to be confined. I doubt that most guys even care about having a slight gut. Hot girls date pudgy guys ALL the time. Only pretty dudes from Long Island and Jersey would even consider these... and this would interfere with showing off their waxed and tanned pecks (gag me). I don't see this flying. Of course, it's a British product... so maybe those Euro dudes will sign on, but I'm betting it doesn't take off in the US. We love our fat dudes fat.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Airing out, without fresh air

Wooo life's been busy. My consistency here has been lacking. And just as a heads up, I won't be posting next Wednesday-Friday because I'll be basking in the warmth of FL sunshine (sorry... no time for blogging on vacation).

Of course for those of you stuck in cold weather areas, you may be dying of stale smelly house stuff (apparently this happens...?) and you won't want to open your windows and let even a smidgen of cold (yet fresh) air in... right? Problem solved.

No, these are not mini kegs, or salt and pepper shakers. Nope. These are alternate "plug-in" air fresheners (can't you tell?) At only 4 1/2 inches tall, these little buggers are water-based air filters. You fill them up and they pump your air through them. So you get the alluring sound of bubbling water (who doesn't love that going in every room of your house), as well as the chance to look at the dirty water once it's been filtering for a few days.

And I'm actually just petrified of the 'scents' that come with this. Any lemon-fresh scents made in China will not be circulating around my house. This cannot actually smell good, or fresh. I'm also kind of puzzled how circulating smelly air through crystal light scented water will serve to freshen my house with out making me unbearably nauseous. Whatever happened to opening a box of baking soda, or hell, just sucking it up and opening the window for five minutes. And I can't even begin to speak of the health hazards these could cause if senile grandpa thinks they're the salt and pepper (which they do look JUST like).

I think this product has convinced me that if we ever see a bio-terror attack, the terrorists may utilize our bizarre love of 'freshness' to distribute the poison. Poison Febreze, poison Lysol, poison scented Tilex spray... watch out you lovers of 'fresh' scents. Stick with the open windows yo.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Afternoon Delight... not like that, sickos

Well, perhaps you're as tired this afternoon as I am after an eventful, but not restful, weekend. If so... I have something to add to your purchase wish list. And thanks Adam for the product suggestion... I know you'd like one of these too some days. I want like 4... one for each finger, like brass knuckles, but squishy.
Pilo Pilo

So you're in class, or at your desk and it's about 1:30 and you get the post-lunch snooze button blues. Well, you might think about hiding in the bathroom (yes, I've been known to take a 2 minute shuteye break in the restroom... don't judge), or you could just lay under your desk... but it's a little obvious. But what if you could just lay down on your arm and have a plush little pillow to catch you? It would certainly make day dreaming quite comfortable (and cute... since you can get these pillow rings in any color under the sun). This softer side of bling is pretty cute actually.

Of course, logistically, this is perhaps a little much. I don't have $30 so that I can relax at my desk better. Obviously one can't fully sleep like this (even without considering that other people might not like that you're trying to sleep at work). I'm much better off putting my head down on the keyboard and just letting the imprints of the E through I keys linger on my forehead for the next hour or so. At least that way I can hide all the way behind the computer while I sleep. But it's a cute idea and the rings are actually pretty adorable. So it's not quite as outlandish as some other things we've seen out there.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Peelin' Out

So first, I apologize for the lack of posting yesterday. Work got hectic near the end of the day and I plain just forgot about posting. Oops! But luckily, today's product is weird enough for two days of weirdness.

Let's get right to it, shall we?

First, this is one of those AMAZING info-mercials which makes you realize just how hard you work as an upper middle class suburban adult. Man, peeling foods IS hard. I get blisters and cuts and open wounds all the time from the knife when peeling all those hundreds of pounds of potatoes for each meal for my 2 person family. And who even owns a peeler? So expensive! So hard to find in the kitchen! So untrustworthy! (probably invented by terrorists.)

Clearly you see the need for the Handy Peel. I have gloves to use when cleaning the bathtub, and gloves to use when I'm skiing, and gloves to protect my hands from hot pans in the oven, and gloves for doing the dishes (similar, but NOT to be mixed up with the bathroom gloves)... why not gloves for food preparation too? We love gloves here in America. And we love potatoes!

And what could go wrong about having a pair of gloves covered in small grating devices that can take the skin off of root vegetables? No one could get hurt there. Also, who doesn't want hands that look like Hell-Boy? I mean, if the kids are annoying you while you cook... a small "love pat" with one of these will quiet them I'm sure. Or leave years of very small scars... maybe both.

I think I'll pass on these too. I can use a peeler just fine (even if it is a terrorist weapon), and this set really just seems dangerous. Imagine confusing this pair with your hot mits... you'd scratch AND burn stuff. Also, the peeling of the carrots comes across (as some on youtube have noted) as a bit too sexual in nature for a TV ad. But it sure is funny. This is why America is great. And why I will never run out of junk to rave about.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

When Feminism Just Goes Too Far

So some people have proposed products I should write about that are... how do I put this... extremely personal in nature. And perhaps in the future I will address these (I better, right Christine?)... but for now, perhaps this will ween us into the idea of talking about these very personal habits and experiences.

Not to be confused with Go-gurt (which is also funny)

To clarify, yes, this a funnel so that girls can pee standing up. Yup. That's it. A disposable funnel. You pee in to the cup, while standing, and now you're as free as a man. Right? Right. (please take a moment here to be glad I spared you any instructional videos, both for marketing and usage.)

I think perhaps that even more than the absurdity of this product, I love the website. Just from the homepage is a favorite... when addressing the question of, well, who the heck would use this item? This is who:

"If you camp, you’ll love GoGirl. If you ski, you’ll love GoGirl. If you boat, you’ll love GoGirl. If you travel, you’ll love GoGirl. If you just want to avoid the germs you find in nasty public toilets, you’ll love GoGirl."

Ooo, well then I'll love GoGirl! My thing is, if you love to ski and can't manage to find a bathroom (man or woman)... you have issues. And if you boat... jump in the water and pee til your heart (or bladder) is content. And if you camp, well, then you learned how to squat a long time ago, like billions of women over the last few thousand years have. Do you think Sacajawea or Joan of Arc needed a GoGirl to do their business out in the wilderness? Probably not. I'll side with them over a pink funnel I think.

My other question is the marketing of this product. Tag line... "Because life's greatest adventure shouldn't be finding a bathroom." Well of course not. In fact, if you need one of these, you're probably already on a much more fascinating and enjoyable adventure. Also, it's actually quite more adventurous to just try to 'go' outside without a gadget. In addition - pink. Why pink? Why not just plain old white. Or yellow? Or green - is it 'green' friendly? I dunno, probably not due to it's disposable nature. It makes me think of breast cancer awareness ... and I don't want to pee on a cancer fundraising item.

Overall, this is an interesting idea. I suppose it does make some things easier. Certainly less gross in certain port-a-potty situations. But if you haven't learned to hover and squat by the time you're a grown woman, well, you need to slap your mom. These skills are part of the very few things EVERY mother much teach their daughter. I guess I'd probably skip this one, but if you're a germaphobe this may be the way to go. Just don't let anyone open the port-a-potty door on you. It would be totally weird to see a 'lady' standing up to go and not assume...well... you know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

You'll Poke Your (pet's) Eye Out!

First, hope you all had a fabulous President's Day. If you didn't have the day off.... well... sorry. Sucks to be you. I sat on the couch watching the History Channel (about the presidents, obviously) most of the day and it was wonderful. But alas, we're back to the grind now.
Now, I've talked about stupid pet products before. And I usually don't like to harp on the same thing too often, but I actually saw someone who used this product the other day and it astonished me.

As a background, let me say, it has been QUITE windy in Boston lately. And with all the salt/sand stuff they toss down when it snows, the roads are just covered in grit now that most of the snow/ice stuff has melted. Dirt and sand everywhere + wind = ouch! It really does whip up, and it really does hurt your face when it hits you. And you really should close your eyes. Luckily... your body automatically does this on its own. This is a basic mammalian instinct. So why dogs need help with this, I'm not sure. But one little Bostonian pooch did, and it was stupid.

I chose this picture instead of the more regal lab picture they have on the website because THIS is more similar to the type of dog I saw on the streets of Brighton. It also had a rain coat like get up on.. but we'll ignore even that for the purpose of mocking these doggie goggles. Now, I don't wear glasses. And I rarely even wear goggles when swimming (I'm still getting used to them)... and I seem to keep my eyes in tact just fine. I haven't poked them out, nor have I gotten any debris lodged in my eye.

But according to the site, you NEED doggles for a few reasons.
1. "Unlike ordinary sunglasses for dogs, Doggles actually protect dog’s eyes from
foreign objects, wind, and UV light."

- wind? really? you need to be protected from air? no.

2. "Dogs have a much wider nose bridge than humans, along with protruding eyes. You
need a goggle designed specifically to fit a dog's unique face structure."

- oh, so this is for all of you dog owners who have previously been SO consumed with protecting your puppies eyes from wind and sun that you've tried to latch a pair of swimming goggles on him... only to probably injure and annoy him.

3. "Vets and Vet Ophthalmologists all around the world
recommend our product."
- Ok, so there are Vet Ophthalmologists? Some of the brightest minds of our generation going to school for years upon years to look at your golden retriever's eyes? Really? We haven't cured cancer or AIDS or even world hunger and we have a whole career path based on the eye sight of pets? I dunno if I'm disgusted or amazed.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Sweeter than Sugar... should be for a grand

So for you 30 Rock watchers, this will make much more sense (if you don't watch, you should. Not home on thursdays? Watch it on whenever you like) Well as I was watching I wondered... could I really buy (and eat!) a dessert worth $1000? The answer... yes. Yes I can. In fact, about once a month someone does.

Seredipity 3 in NYC sells the sundae that is pretty directly alluded to in the most recent 30 Rock. And it's almost as silly as Jack says it is (although no, they haven't managed to have edible 25 carat gold.... only 23).
Opulence Sundae (the $1000 guilt trip)

Ironically, the rest of the menu is pretty modest. $9 appetizers, $20-35 entrees... not so bad. But once a month or so, someone calls 2 days in advance (yes, this is required) to require this dessert that costs more than my car is worth. The sundae is covered in 23-carat edible gold leaf (ya... for real. Can't get some jewelry from your husband for v-day... drown your sorrows by EATING it). And if you're not doing the whole "eat local" thing, that's good because it also has vanilla and chocolate from Tahiti, Madagascar and Venezuela (ooo international).

And don't think you're eating this out of grandma's icecream dish with a spoon licked by other patrons. No no. First it features a mother of pearl spoon of caviar. But you dont eat with this (God forbid... who eats caviar with icecream anyways? Ew). You eat your international ice cream out of a Baccarat crystal goblet (that you get to keep... in case you wanna plop some $4 Ben and Jerry's in it tomorrow) with an 18 carat gold spoon.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a little indulgence in the dessert realm. I may actually eat some cheesecake for dinner tonight (man that sounds good on my sore throat... maybe not for my diet though... hmmm). But $1000? Eating gold? Would that even be tasty? What wine do you order with gold? And I can't imagine getting it after an $11 BLT on Challah bread or a $14 "Chili-Cheese" Crepe. I don't think the metal would settle well. It certainly would give me wallet indigestion. I'll let you know how it is though when I marry rich, no worries.

Happy commercial love day everyone - have a good weekend!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hunka hunka burnin' love... meatlovers style

It's been under great discussion lately what it is about Valentine's Day that convinces so many people to play into it. Is it just the hype? Does it play upon our insecurities that we aren't loved as much as the next person? Do flowers and teddy bears and wearing heels and dresses out to an expensive dinner prove anything about the quality of our relationship? There's a lot of serious societal questions here. But one this is for sure... no matter why it happens, there are A LOT of Valentine's Day themed items out there.

Heart shaped paper clips, and candles, and notepads. Heart shaped wallets, and pillows, and of course candies. You can even go out to a nice dinner and order a heart shaped cake to stick your pretty little heart shaped diamond ring in if you're gonna pop the question.

Thankfully the pervasive shaping of our culture on Feb. 14th does not stop there. Wanna stay in with your honey on V-day? Or single and want to mope on the couch while watching When Harry Met Sally and crying quietly into your crappy delivery dinner? You can!

In case you can't read it... that's TWO heart shaped pizzas for $20 OR you can get dessert with a heart shaped piza for $15. Not a bad deal. I think I'm gonna buy one just so I can say I dissected a heart this weekend! Also, if you burn your tongue, you can just say you got heart-burn. Man, so punny.

But if you're too sad over your break up to cook... careful about ordering this lovey-dovey option. It's thin crust so it may not be able to hold up to your flood of tears. But it would be really fun to offer it to a friend by singing a little janis... 'take another little piece of my heart.' Too bad that "Pizza will not be cut to preserve novelty of Heart Shape."... man that's gonna be hard to eat in one big piece. Hahaha. Dumb, and I totally want one.

Bonus for the day...

So I think I'll be posting about a product later... but I wanted to offer you loyal readers a little bonus site to peruse of ridiculous foods. I'd suggest going through the entire site. There's only about 6 or 7 pages... but they are chock full of amazingly absurd foods and food combos...

Amazing! Enjoy! (Not to be consumed with Baconaise or Happy Meal Pizza... well.... maybe just ONE slice of Happy Meal Pizza...)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Stop looking at my laptop!

So these days I'm getting a lot of 'private' emails from graduate schools involving all kinds of 'sensitive' information from my social security number to my GPA to just about every thing I've ever done in my life (those applications are thorough!). So I can understand why one wouldn't want the guy in the next plush chair at Starbucks reading everything on your screen. And we can't all have those extra screens like at the clinic (have you seen these?) where everything looks blurry unless you're perfectly square to the screen. They seem a bit bulky. But this... man oh man... NOT a real invention.

So you remember those paper fans that little girls played with when you were 7? The ones that were usually covered in Japanese ladies and cherry blossoms and broke when you moved them? Ya... so imagine you designed a couple of these with whatever design you wanted (ooooooo...) and then had a company print 2 of them up for you so you could parade around with that pretty design hooked to your laptop! OR... imagine buying a bunch with your company logo on them and giving them out in some weird nerd conference swag bag (as if you'd know what size to buy everyone for their laptop... eh, probably just the 15" macbook pro is a good bet) and then when they use them, your (and I quote from the website) "logo will be the size of a grapefruit" and you'll be 'lapvertising' (btw... careful, the verb 'lapvertise' is a registered trademark of the Lapstix company, not something that may or may not happen at really low budget strip clubs).

Brilliant. It's what I've always wanted to carry around in my laptop case and be infinitly careful not to crush. Although on a day I want to look both rainbow colored and coy... in case I'm flirting with a hot individual at a gay pride parade (which I don't think would work out so well for me)... these would definitely come in handy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Text-eriffic Tools

First, thanks for bearing with me during these last few days I've had to take off from making fun of the world. Apparently being sarcastic and cynical all the time doesn't prepare you for viruses of death. But alas, I'm coming around finally. And thanks to some of y'all (ya, that's right, I said it), I have some great product suggestions stored up. (today is thanks to Will... I can't believe you actually got these as a gift).

Ya... so this product is to help you text. In case you're getting horrible pains from those 15,000 messages to your BFF Jill (or Rose... whichever), this will solve your problem. Instead of just putting down the freaking thing, you should slide on these rubber thumb slings and tap away. I think it's kind of like an ace bandage brace for your thumb. It's just to hold everything in place so you don't strain yourself. Which is great, because goodness knows there's a lot of straining and reaching to get to that 'Q' key on your blackberry. *Phew* what a work out! No need to go to the gym now, you've burned at least negative 2 calories texting for the last thirty minutes.

I'm also excited that now we can 'unleash the power' of our technological devices. This doesn't sound terrifying at all. Just saying, if you use these 'awe-thumbs' and your blackberry attacks you in your sleep, it's probably your fault for unleashing it. Very dangerous. Personally, I think Ill keep my devices well leashed, and perhaps, if I'm getting carpal tunnel from texting, i'll just turn off the phone and go talk to people in person. I know - I'm a radical.

And really - if you need a brace for your texting, how are you EVER going to win a good old fashioned thumb war? Lame.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Still under the weather... whatever that means.

Well, I was awake for a total of 16 hours this entire weekend and I'm still not well. That sucks. With such, I'm doing a half day at work, but will actually have to do a lot of work while I'm there. So, alas, another day without posted sarcasm :( However, I am opening this up. If you're just itching to mock some dumb item being hocked to the American (or really any) public, and you want to guest write. be my guest. Email me your write up at and when I need a day off, you'll get a guest spot. Holla.

Anyway, sorry for the delay. Hopefully I'll be back on my game tomorrow. Til then the only product I'm frequenting is Dayquil... ick.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Executive Veto Power

As I am the president of this blog, I am vetoing today. I'm sick, kinda bummed out in life, and at work. Therefore, today doesn't exist according to this blog. Aka, I'm not posting. Stupid germs.

Be back on Monday.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Whatever happened to hitchhiking with a simple napsack?

Traveling light may still be en vogue, but long gone are the days of traveling simply. Oh no no. We cannot travel with the things we already own (gym duffels for suitcases etc)... no. That is entirely un-American in it's conservationism. We must own traveling gear, obviously. Things specifically for travel, whether it's suitcases or carry-ons, or travel-sized toiletries with accompanying baggies and neck pillows for the airplane etc. etc. The list goes on. You know what I'm talking about. And in fact, there is an entire industry built around these travel accessories.

However, I think these two take the idea of travel 'convenience' a bit far.

Wow, ya, wrinkly ties are a huge problem. When at home, this is usually remedied by the frequent washing/dry cleaning of them after a day's use. And traveling/sitting in an airplane chair is really hard on the tie..... wait. No, it's not. And no one dry cleans their ties that frequently... meaning they must not get that wrinkly from normal use. And it's not like people usually store ties somewhere that they're going to get dusty or dirty... unless you have mud floors in your closet, in which case I think you have bigger issues than dirty ties. This is just dumb. You don't need a tie-protector. Put it in the garbage with your pocket protector...nerd.

Inflatable Hangers

Ok, so basically, for $6 (plus S&H of course) you get hanger shaped balloons with hooks on the end. Fine. Two things though... one, are hangers SO big you can't pack a couple? Not even 2? What are you squishing in that bag that you can't fit in 2 plastic hangers if you really need them. Second... um... where are you going where you need hangers but they're not provided? Is your mother-in-law a hanger hoarding troll? Are you bringing your Armani that MUST be hung but staying in a hanger-fre motel 8? I'm puzzled. Every hotel I've been in has hangers available and NO ONE ever uses them. My only idea for these is that if your kids get really bored, you could fashion them into floaties with some duct tape and throw them in the pool for a bit. Oooo and the hooks could make them pirates... that'd actually be pretty awesome. Other than that - no go. Need a hanger? Walk to a dry cleaners and grab a few for free. Done and done.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Things he doesn't want...

Well my favorite holiday for stupid consumerism is fast approaching... Valentines Day. Don't think I'm bitter. I'm not, I think love is grand. However, I have an issue with using a day as an excuse to a)ask someone on a date (suck it up and just do it when you like them) b) flowers costing WAY more than they already do. c) dress up and go somewhere fancy when you'd be just as happy cuddling at home after eating Wendy's. Just saying.

But with this lovely annual event comes great gift-giving ideas. I mean, you JUST figured out what to get your significant other for Christmas. Even if they didn't make you return it, you're certainly out of good ideas. But msn shopping has some suggestions for him and for her.

I chose to check out the "For Him"... and if you have some money, the "Over $100" section.
So, there are some decent gifts here. However, these three, no. Just no. If you want to buy this, don't. Just give your man a check for $100 instead. Or buy him $100 in beer. Something useful.
A collectable of course
A beer watch. A watch dedicated to BAD beer none the less. It could only be worse if you wanted to pay nearly $150 for a Keystone watch. Also, this is a huge waste of funds for your Bud-loving hubby. This could buy about fourteen 12-packs. That's 168 beers. Any dude would trade a watch for that many beers, but especially one so dedicated to the cause of drinking. This also does not say 'I love you' or 'Please romance me' - not one bit.

Alright, next up is this lovely leather jacket. Which, if the 'artwork' was not included, might be a nice gift for your badass man. But this... man, this is why I don't miss the South somedays (just SOME days).

I decided to give you the lovely artwork view. The rest just looks like a leather jacket. But this - this epic airbrushing of Robert E. Lee, loser of the Civil War... man, beautiful. Nothing says I'm so glad we have a bi-racial president like the support of the confederacy. Of course, perhaps your biker hubby has a giant pony tail, in which case, this might be obscured a little. And we can't just go hiding freaking Robert E. Lee under a tuft of nappy biker hair. SO... getting him this jacket may actually encourage him to get a hair cut. If so... I guess you can buy it.

Lastly, and my most favorite valentines day gift for him... this lovely sportsman ring.

SO many good things about this. First, YOU might be expecting a nice piece of jewelry on V-Day, but you can bet he's not. What a surprise! Second, if he punches someone, they'll get a bass imprint on their face. Alternately, if his finger swells after that huge brawl, he will have "Gone Fishing" on his finger... backwards. Just as cool as a tattoo. And really, what doesn't say success like a HUGE gold-plated ring with onyx inlay with a jumping fish on it? And (I quote) it "also features raised relief treble-hook lures on each side of the ring." AND it's available in 3 easy enstallments of $45 each. A lay away fishing ring. Why is this not at every Wal-mart worldwide?
This ring has so many benefits. And not one drawback I can think of. This is the mens Valentines Day gift of 2009 for sure.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Disposable Sunshine

Well, if you're like me (and odds are you're not because I'm remarkably unique... or weird, or something), you're gearing up for spring. And spring means trips away from the snowy cold and down to the beach (woohoo!) However, you're probably REALLY pasty from hiding indoors for the last, oh, 3 to 6 months. You may even feel that you've gotten so pale you have become translucent. But luckily, totally fixable in an extremely silly and convenient way. Don't fret, another Home Shopping Network treasure awaits you.

First, orange is a poor packaging color. We all know of this infamous orange glow (and I don't mean the As Seen on TV cleaning kind). This is not the thought you want to put in your consumer's minds when they're buying FAKE TAN. We don't want to look like... well... this.

It also should be noted that this doesn't last very long. It takes 4 hours and you have to reapply every couple days? How am I supposed to fit in my twice a day gym runs on a tanning schedule like that? Man, I'm never gonna hook up with a hot STD-laden frat boy like this!

Also, is it necessary to have all this packaging? I mean, I know it stains, so I kind of understand the disposable wipe thing. You'd end up throwing away whatever you use anyway (unless you just keep a tanning towel... not a bad plan), but the individually wrapped-ness of it? Dumb. These should not be packaged like other items, such as baby wet naps, condoms, or Emergen-C . Just saying. It would NOT bode well if confused with any of those options.... ew. Don't use your imagination.

In the end, this is apparently a horrible product. All reviews say it sucks and call for the return of the 'silver packet' ... whatever that might be. But if it makes me all shiny and glittery - i'll take it. At least then no one in sunny Florida will be able to see me in my bathing suit because they'll be blinded by my skin bling. Holla.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The basics of Tailgating

Well, football season is officially over. Not that REAL football season hasn't been over for awhile (*cough* college sports are infinitely better than pro *cough*... man, what a cold I've got!). But that just means that the seasons are changing. We're in the good part of college hockey (Beanpot! If you don't know what this is... wiki it or something... and Go Huskies! We have to win sometime, right?) and baseball season is right around the corner. And really, it's never too soon to be gearing up for the restart of college football (even if the Bulldogs are gonna suck because loyalty to teams is at an all time low - stupid selfish quarterbacks.). So in this vein, today is all about two products you're going to need to tailgate.
In case you're an amateur tailgater, let me explain. In some places (mostly where it's warm, but not necessarily), we like to go somewhere hours and hours before a game, get a decent parking spot, maybe a patch of grass or area in a parking lot, and we like to set up shop. I'm not talking a few lawn chairs. No. I mean full grills, tents, coolers, games of tag football, small-town socialization with those that you always meet at your set tailgating/parking area. So... to do this, we have some help.

One, the Cruzin Cooler

For one, Ellen featured this on her show. So that's cool. Second, this is an awesome way to make Grandma carry the beer. (well if she's gonna drink it, she should carry it, right?) If you're parking far away from your party site (perhaps you're joining friends with a bigger grill and better looking connections) this is a great way to get around. Favorite part? The acknowledgement you have to click on to get to the actual products on the website. You acknowledge, basically, that this is a cooler/powerwheels and not a real motor vehicle and that you shouldn't be an idiot on it. But if you are, you can't sue them. Bummer. But you can go 13 mph for up to 15 miles... on the electric (gas run cooler... ya, you heard me, gets up to 15 mph... on a cooler). BTW - don't let these run out of juice. They're like 60-100 lbs... Grandma certainly could not carry that home if the battery dies cause junior rode it around like a bronco.

THIS might be why your friends bought the scooter cooler. To get to your party if you're packing this kind of tailgating heat.

An entire outdoor kitchen

So... here it is. The full get up. Need a kitchen at your tailgating space, check. Also good if your wife kicks you out for being a drunken idiot, and you have to live in the backyard. Because you know what's behind that kitchen section? A door. To a sleeping area. That's right. Slide that futon mattress right in (no seriously, this is what they tell you to do) and rest comfortably. Just like in the 1950's when divorce was super taboo. How did Aunt Mertle put up with drunken Uncle Bob? She didn't. She put him in his camper cage and let him sleep it off. I particularly like the decor of it. Very retro. Almost cool even. And great for tailgating. I mean, sometimes you get sleepy pre-game. Perfect nap nook. Grill, eat, drink, nap, football - Awesome.