Friday, December 25, 2009

Protection you need at the Holidays

First, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. etc. etc.
Wow it's been a long time. Sorry guys - grad school is apparently time consuming or something. Who knew?

But alas, I made it through my first season in Minneapolis, and my first semester of school, and here I am back in Georgia for a week for Christmas before I head to Boston for New Years! I have found that when I'm in Georgia, it becomes a bit easier to find dumb products to write about. Perhaps it's just luck, or my keen eye for the absurdities of the South (I love it... but it's true)... and this week has been no exception. But this one, this one could certainly come in handy this time of year.

For many of you, you have been celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus with your family this week. You've exchanged gifts like Nintendo Wii's, expensive jewelry, and of course cold hard cash (just as the Magi's gave Jesus in the manger). And you may be thinking... how can I protect these assets? I mean, sure, I live in a quiet cul-de-sac in a gated community, and we have motion sensor lights and an alarm system on my mini-mansion. Or alternately you think, I live in the middle of the country side, where very few people can even locate my camouflage patterned trailer in the woods, but I feel unsafe every day in this socialist America... either way, you know more must be done to protect your new Christmas treasures. And it should definitely involve a shot gun (at least for the 30 million households that already have a shot gun in the home... and probably more).

But how? If an intruder were to burst into my home (perhaps even through the chimney), how would I ever get to my rifle fast enough to protect my new iPhone and toy hampsters? It's just too far all the way under my side of the bed! I would have to get out of bed to reach it! The horror!!!

Worry no more.

The BackUp
Although America is the greatest country in the world, the frightening reality is that Americans are not safe in their own homes."

Now you can intimidate, and even shoot intruders from the lying position. If you remain under the covers, this will surely protect you from any grotesque blood spatter, as well as any psychological scarring that would surely occur otherwise if you were in less relaxed stance. In addition, you can be sure to free up space on your night stand for your Jack Daniel's bottle and Fox News celebrity bobble head collection. As a bonus, your shot gun will be extremely accessible when your remote dies as you're flipping past those liberal media stations like CSPAN and ABC and would rather just destroy the TV than watch that until more batteries can be located.

I, for one, will be purchasing a Back Up for all my friends and family this year for their birthdays. My hope is that this will usher in a safer, more communist free America in 2010, and inspire millions of gun owners to realize the best place to fight for freedom and justice for the crazy minority is right from the comfort of their own beds.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Homeless by Design

So after getting back my accounting final today (I scored a sub-par 64 of 104)... I decided that perhaps I should just plan my life around being unemployed. And then I thought, hey, why not go all out? I should start prepping now for homelessness. I already have a collection of strange and heavily warn t-shirts from high school that I've been wearing as gym/pj shirts for years now (classy, I know). But what about bedding? Certainly my navy and white geometrically patterned duvet will not do on the streets. Nor will my gloriously rust colored sheets with small eyelets around the seams. They just won't do. But wherever can I get homeless appropriate home goods?

So this is a 'cardboard box' patterned duvet. It can be partnered with accompanying pillow cases (as shown), as well as sheets in a lovely stone sidewalk pattern, as seen below.

I can only imagine how bad ass this is to hipster teenagers in England. I mean, what makes passing out drunk and unbathed in your skinny jeans while listening to the Clash show more awesome dedication to the hipster, punk rawk lifestyle? AND some of the profits go to charity! So you can 'keep it real' and give your capitalistic proceeds to the less fortunate. Now you're a green/socially forward thinking hipster. OMG. You will be getting ALL the skinny hippie groupie girls into your homeless dude bed in no time. Fail proof plan really. Every self respecting girl on heroin has been begging to sleep on a fake sidewalk for years now. It's way better than passing out on a real one, I'm sure of it.

I guess I can't judge. It goes to a 'good cause,' which I'm a sucker for, of course. But really? Who did the product design on this? I do also admire that it addresses the quality of the image and print quality saying 'This high quality flat sheet features a photographic print of a pavement. This produces an extremely sharp image that stays flexible because the ink is printed directly in the cotton. The image will stay crisp after frequent washing.' *PHEW* I mean, I plan on washing my homeless person sheets ALL THE TIME. Just like the homeless do. I wouldn't want my cardboard box duvet to fade after I wash out the smell of clove cigarettes and PBR and replace it with the scent of mom's Downy fabric softener and dirty white kid dreadlocks. That would be horrible.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Solution to chronic anemia?

I'm coming out of pseudo-grad-school-induced-hiatus for this one. Seriously. Ever see that really creepy kid in high school who appeared as though they'd never ventured out except to sneak through the woods to their house to play Dungeons and Dragons? Ya, the one with severe vitamin D and K deficiencies... ever think they were a vampire? No? Ok... ever think they WISH they were a vampire? YES!

Of course. Because vampires are the hippest, sexiest things since fake boobs and crop tops in the early 90's and matching poofy bangs and sleeves in the 80's. Vampires, and their blood drinking ways, have grasped America by the throat (perhaps only figuratively... for now).

Now, some logical people might think that it's borderline irresponsible to even humor vampire emulation in adolescents. These people are anti fangs and neck biting and Twilight vampire family incest. But those people are boring. And clearly not going to make huge sums of money from milking (or bleeding) this trend for all it's worth. Luckily, the company who made this was not made of such logical, reasonable, overly conservative folks.

Yup. Blood Energy Potion will be on the market January 2010. You can pre-order this punch flavored blood-replica for $6 a pouch. Blood replica you ask? What does that mean? Oh, just that ingesting this concoction will give you the same 'nutritional' value of real human blood. Protein, iron, electrolites... and the same consistency as blood. Advertised as giving you the "real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!"MMMM just what I was looking for in my next refreshing beverage! Although I honestly can't wait to see middle school bus floors littered with IV bags... I'm sure that won't alert the 'zero tolerance' police at all!

Don't be too alarmed, the company assures me it's not real blood, just synthetic. In case we were worried that Obama's communist dictatorship made the FDA release human blood... we're assured they did not.

Although I can't see myself purchasing this one, you never know. If I'm ever in a vampire costume triathlon, this might be just what I need to get through all that sun exposure. Could come in handy for practical jokes as well.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Because plunging wasn't fun...

So I admit it, I like some good bathroom humor from time to time. I may have the maturity of a 10 year old, but to me, farting is still funny and any story where someone is embarrassed by being accidentally and/or suddenly naked is hilarious. Judge me if you must. 

But this is why THIS thing looks both disgusting and awesome. 

Ok.... so imagine you have a nice dinner party. Everyone is mingling, socializing, sipping on frou frou drinks and eating teeny weeny quiches and stuffed mushrooms you pretended to make from scratch but really just bought frozen from Trader Joe's. You even may have managed to start having a good time at your own party (which is no small feat, in my opinion). But then a guest approaches you and whispers about a dark, evil, and unfortunate circumstance. The main toilet is clogged. This guest, of course, 'doesn't know who's fault it was' because 'it was like that when [she] went to use it.' But fault is not going to help anyone. The party cannot go on for much longer without a working commode. Only dirty frat parties, and about 2 of every 5 bars in Boston,  can do without proper bathrooms. What do you do?

Well... most people put a giant XXXL tshirt over their cocktail dress, or roll up their oxford sleeves and grab the plunger. It's a gross, smelly and all around unpleasant job, but it must be done. Suction cupping the toilet it is. But what if you had another way? A way that involved a gun like object? This does sound more fun... and you could definitely convince your 10 year old to come down from playing Wii upstairs and try to shoot water at poop (... seriously, it sounds stupid, but you totally know its true. Boys love to shoot things. Especially gross things). 

But I have a few questions. One... why is this ladies' toilet so weird? Does your toilet go straight down??? Ya... mine neither. Two... does it sound like an  incredibly poor idea to anyone else that this product "Draws water into its cylinder" from the said clogged toilet? Uh... gross! Thankfully this last one is remedied because the Johnny Jolter (after you draw in water, and blast down the 'clogging item,' if you will) can be full disassembled for cleaning. 

So... basically you:
1. draw up poo water 
2. shoot poo water forcefully (possibly numerous times)
 and then 
3. get the fun job of washing this thing by hand

 Something tells me if this picture were of, well, an actually clogged toilet, or if it was of step 3, this lady would not be so pleasantly smirking about this process. 

Ya know, as cool as a toilet gun may SOUND... I think I'd rather just put on my XXXL, plunge it, wash my hands and get back to eating my mushy mini quiche. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If I had an iron, I'd iron my breakfast meats...wait, what?

So, as you may know, I'm a huge proponent of cooking. And I lust after kitchen gadgets like frat dudes on spring break. Seriously, it's bad. My level of resistance to new pans/pots/measuring cups/pizza stones/pot holders/garlic presses (you see the problem here...) is quite low. If I read a blog about a kind of cake, I want to try out making this cake and I must buy the new pan for it. But even I have my limitations and today I found it. 

While perusing (I was looking at pretty canning jars for storage and cast iron skillets), I found a bacon press. A bacon press? Wait... what? You can iron your bacon? Yes... yes you can. 

Apparently the biggest tragedy in breakfast foods and bacon-added sandwiches is the wrinkles of the bacon. And a regular old grill press (see here ...they use them at restaurants to cook your burgers faster) will not do. No no no. What if we need to cook our bacon and the burger at the same time??? We cannot press them both! And I cannot possibly eat one more sandwich with wrinkly bacon that cracks ununiformly when I bite it. 

Also, clearly bacon needs to be reminded that it used to be a pig. And that now it has been stripped, salted and now pressed into submission as my food. So we like to remind it with a cute little piggy emblem that will sear onto the bacon. Hahaha take that. It's like the waterboarding of meat products - gotta show them who runs this kitchen !

I'd like 3 please. My birthday is July 25th, just in case you didn't already have it highlighted on your calendar. 

Monday, April 13, 2009

Double Trouble in Apartment Hunting

Today is an unconventional ridiculous 'product'. Here's a little back story... so I'm moving to a new city in August (Minneapolis to be exact) and I'm trying to find a place to live. Now, this is awkward for a few reasons. One, I cannot go look at places to live in person. Two, I want to live with a roommate (living by myself is boring/lonely), but again, cannot go up and meet people. So craigslist and phone chats it is. And for the most part people are pretty honest - they want a good roommate as much as I do. But I've found this odd sect of people (*cough* guys) on Craigslist who have decided it's a good idea to combine their dating post with their housing post. 

A few examples: 

$400 Room for rent at my house (Minneapolis)

Date: 2009-04-12, 11:03PM CDT

I have a room for rent in the Cleveland neighborhood of Minneapolis. Its a great neighborhood near the park system and near the busline. Its about a 7 minute drive downtown and $12 cab ride downtown. My house is a 4 bedroom 3 bath. The room is on the 2nd floor.

$400/month includes laundry, Internet, Cable TV, Heat, Water, grabage, and electricity. The house has lots of storage space, remodeled kitchen with stainless steel appliances, a dishwasher, central air conditioning, and a ping pong table.

Room could be furnished if need be.

I have attached some pictures of myself and the place. You can also look me up on facebook. I am an intelligent, ambitious, tall, single male in my late 20s. I work in the IT field and am a real estate broker. I am busy socially and professionally. I like to play basketball and exercise quite frequently. Rent can be month to month if needed.

Let me know if interested. Feel free to reply or call. I am a bit busy, but will respond within 24 hours.

Scott ****
(yes, he did put his full name on Craigslist, but I feel wrong reposting that.) 
(again, yup... we could call him for a good time)

  • cats are OK - purrr
  • dogs are OK - wooof
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 1119552045-0

image 1119552045-1
image 1119552045-2

So 3 pictures of the house... and one shot of him. Now.... why do i  need to know if he's tall, or single? I am looking for an apartment. Not a bed buddy. If I was looking for someone to share my life with... I probably wouldn't want my own room. Just saying. 

Another option... 

female companion...almost free (mpls)

Date: 2009-04-12, 2:17PM CDT

I am a 30s single liberal male with an extra bdrm. I am looking for a sexy open minded female to join me at my 3 bdrm nicely furnished upper duplex in uptown. The room is available today, and I am open to all possible offers or arrangements. 

  • Location: mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Great! This doesn't sound dangerous or stupid at all! No info on the space at all. No pictures of the apartment or the person. No name even. Sounds great - can I movein  tomorrow? Really you're just a live in maid/prostitute in this situation I'm pretty sure. But lastly... man, this is a class act. 

$475 seeking younger stoner female roommate! (South Minny/Richfield) (map)

Date: 2009-04-01, 1:05AM CDT

I have a 2br house to myself. Rent is negotiable. I don't really NEED a roommate, but figured if a cool cat came around that needed a spot, i'd be willing to rent it. I am 27 single, and don't have peeps over much. Not home a lot. Both neighbors are good friends of mine. The house is a duplex, and the neighbor i share walls with is a DJ. So applicant may want to be partial to electro/house music:) To be entirely frank, I have a maid come once a month, and the last time they came they stole some shit. Now I don't have a maid... Not implying that my roomy would take her place, but i'd be willing to deduct rent if that was assured. I'm quite busy and rather lazy. Not gonna lie. Just gonna put it out there for ya. If this seems like something you'd be interested in, email me a lil about yourself and we'll talk. Cheers 

58th at Blaisdell 
(google map) (yahoo map)
  • Location: South Minny/Richfield
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 1101747789-0
image 1101747789-1

Ya, I'm emailing this dude RIGHT NOW. Uber classy, clearly. And totally my type. Mmmm look at that blue steel pout. And house music? I LOVE house music; that will really help me study for my MBA courses too. To heck with what I said. This is a great way to sell yourself and your home together as a package deal and to shop for other people who see themselves as commodities! I'm posting my listing right now... of course I will include pouting pictures and me in soemthing maid like... perhaps a bikini and apron? I'll have free rent and no self respect in no time! TADA!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Jump, Skip, and Hop... don't do it without help!

Ok, so if you've ever been to the gym with me (*ahem* Jules) and gone to a class where jumping rope is required... you'll know I'm not that coordinated at it. I like to blame it on the length of the rope usually... but it's kind of just that I'm spazzy. I can hop until my face turns blue but trying to coordinate that with my arms some how doesn't go so well. It's really not a huge deal. I just hop in place for that portion.  But a solution exists! It's somewhat like the skipit from way back in the day (see below)

 Here is the new fancy infomercialed... JumpSnap (this one is in the pink package!)
Soooo basically you get these pink, padded, 'special'  wii remotes/hair brushes/sticks that you hold while you fake jump rope. And you can get training DVD's with them... um... to show you how to jump successfully with things in your hands. I'm guessing they count your jumps/rotations? I didnt' get more than 10 seconds into the silly infomercial on their website before laughing at that poor girl on the treadmill looking miserable. It does tell you that jump roping is why boxers are so fit. Which isn't quite accurate (i'm pretty sure the actual act of boxing does have some input there), but we'll go with it. I also like that they promote how fun these are. As if you can't just jump outside in a puddle and have more fun than holding these and watching a skinny twit in a sports bra instruct you through your tv. Whatever makes people happy - but this does NOT seem worth the 40-100 dollars to just use your legs. It's like buying a stair master when you can just move to the 4th floor. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Marsupial Momma (or Pouch Papa)

This... this is just an interesting product. It's hitting all the blogs now, so you may have just seen it. But I'm going to cover it anyway because, well, it's a horrible take on a great idea. May I introduce to you... the Peekaru.


So in Malawi, women carry their kids (although on their back, not front) in large fabric wraps called chitejes. In fact, this is pretty common all over Africa and traditionally  a very normal way to carry kids in nearly all cultures. I get that. Your arms get tired. I've even seen the front packs for little ones. Hilarious but awesome. My deal here is... why must this a) be fuzzy fleeze. b) be a vest c) be as long as the child?

This has to be extremely hot. And that baby on the left looks terrifying. It's like you've never birthed the kid. It's just peaking out a little window in your belly that now holds a 3 year old. I just don't get why we need all these strange contraptions. For thousands of years we've made a sling out of cloth and been on our merry way. Now we want to be marsupials or something. We're not marsupials. If God wanted us to have a pouch, we would have one (and weird fat flaps when you're obese is NOT what I'm talking about). We dont' need to turn ourselves into furry pouched creatures to love and care for our kids. Stay strong moms - stay human and carry your kids a similar manner. I believe in you... fight those strong marsupial desires and tendencies!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Oh Japan... you are great

Wow I've gotten lazy. I swear, soon I will return to my sarcasm and mockery of products. But for now, I'll share this.   Top Ten Crazy Japanese Products (as if anyone could REALLY pick 10... but they're ones I haven't seen, so they're worth a look). 

I'm frolicking in the midwest for the next 2 weekends, and working in between, but hopefully I'll get some posted next week. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Making math fun!

I haven't been very good at posting as I've been all scattered... and today is no different. But I will share a sample from a website I particularly like called New Math.

hehehe... check out the site. There are a ton of good ones. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

More relaxation from SkyMall

Well, first, here's Fox News' list of top dumb inventions. I generally don't trust Fox News for much information, but this seems like something they might be alright at ranking. There are a few good ones (I like the battery powered battery charger myself). 

But none of these are as good as SkyMall relaxation tools. We had the mind spa. Now, onto the...

I really don't need to say much about this, do I? Basically, you hook up this jock strap around your chin and neck. Then you hoist the attached cord over a pulley connected to a door. Then you pull. OH! Be sure to grab a chair (not included). Otherwise, you'll probably get a really great neck adjustment and also hang yourself. 

It's pretty morbid, but I'm thinking they should sell this in black, with some studs no it. Really draw in that emo market/goth rock market in.. um...neck adjustments....or something. Was that insensitive?

Anyways, I've been brainstorming about what else this could do if you weren't feeling remarkably suicidal but had bought this product because, well, you were before. Maybe it would be a decent neck/ear warmer for skiing. Or.. um... a dog walking harness for your shitzu. Or... you could fashion it into some kind of brace if you twisted your ankle hiking. That's it really. I can tell you, that is NOT on my wish list for my birthday. Although, if you got it for me, it sure would send a clear, Godfatheresque message that we were no longer friends. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Relax, it's the weekend... for only $349.95

Now some people have a nice drink to relax. Maybe watch a movie and cuddle on the couch.  Even with a major trip behind you, and lots of jet lag, many would just sleep at the correct time, eat right, and exercise to readjust. But really - is this good enough for you? Aren't you better than that? I know I sure am. Which is why I'm expecting you all to buy me one of these for my birthday (which is July 25th for all you who don't have it on your calendar yet).

Another genius idea from SkyMall... this is the end all be all in personal relaxation. But honestly, it's pretty ambiguous about what the heck it does. But here are a few features:
- "includes a pair of glasses that have 12 white LEDs embedded into the inside face, surrounding your orbital lobes with an array of gentle, pleasing light" ... so the most relaxing thing we can think to make ourselves view is our own UFO sighting? I don't think bright pulsing patterns will help me relieve stress. 
"the lights and the soundscapes are set to match four frequencies--beta, alpha, theta, and delta--which oscillate between 1-30 Hz to help improve concentration" K... so now we have these programmed light/audio sets that last up to 25 minutes in different frequencies? So I see pulsating orb-y lights around my temples and hear droning pitches for half an hour ... at decibels loud enough to drown out jet engines? And again... I'm relaxed? 

I'm pretty sure this thing would just make me trip out. Now, I've never done any hallucinogenic drugs, but I'm pretty sure I could get some for less than $350. And really, this is just your own personal LSD riddled laser show I'm pretty sure. Man, you SkyMall hippies. You would think of this. You would. 

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Whole new meaning to 'Grandma does needlepoint'

So, I'm back. In fact, I've been back for a couple days. But they've been VERY eventful, so I didn't blog. I've been busy getting into graduate school and getting scholarship and the like. So that's cool. Of course, the same day I got a merit based scholarship, I lost one of my gym sneakers in my apartment and have yet to find it (after more than an hour of digging through my room...) so my real intelligence is still up for debate. But nevermind that. 

As you know, I've been doing a little flying. And when you fly, you get bored of sitting. Inevitably you look in the seat pocket in front of you, ignore the barf bag and the safety card (which one serves to freak you out that you're a few miles in the air), and pick up SkyMall. SkyMall is fabulous and full of silly things. The next few posts will be dedicated to the glory of Sky Mall. 

"Be your own acupuncturist. Diagnose and heal yourself and your family"

One might guess that in a SkyMall magazine, I could scan right past this. It looks generic and harmless. It could be an mp3 player, an insulin tester, a travel alarm clock... no big deal. But the tag line. Does this seem like a good plan? Not only are you being a therapist of something you have no training in, you are being TOLD to diagnose yourself. I mean, alternative medicine is one thing, but skipping out on all trained doctors all together? Doesn't seem smart. Or safe. And why am I being told this while I'm on a plane? 

Also, this doesn't involve needles. Which I'm pretty sure is the point of acupuncture. Mostly I get this from the puncture part of the word. This is more acupressure. Or acu-shock. Since that's what this gadget does. It helps you relieve blocked 'qi' but finding your 'qi spots' (with hand map sent with kit) and zap them with a charge. 

Ya know, I could just blow up this hand picture in the magazine, get my hand damp and stick a 12 volt to it right? Clear up my 'Qi' real fast. Done and done. Equally as dumb and probably equally as healthy. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Beach Shelter

So I'm going to Florida tonight and I cannot wait to play in the sun at the beach. If I'm not playing paddle ball or swimming around, I'm probably napping in the sun or making innappropriate jokes with the girls. All good things. You know why these are fun to do at the beach? Because it's sunny and warm, and there's water to play in. You know what destroy's the entire point of being at the beach?

SPF 50 roof. 11' by 11' large. You don't touch the sand. You don't feel the sun. You close the screens and you can't even really feel the wind. Sooo... basically we could just pick you up, put you in a parking lot (bonus: less screaming children and lifeguards whistling in the parking lot), and you'd be happy. And we pay 1000's of dollars for beach front resorts etc. just so we can be 'inside'? Why not just stay inside, crank up the heat and pretend you're enjoying some summer fun? Of course, this tent won't even fit in my apartment it's so big... so perhaps I'll just bring it out to my parking lot out back. Maybe I can get the tent towed for 'parking' in someone elses spot even. That'd be an awesome adventure.... possible asphalt burn though.

Anyway, I will not be using a full beach tent this weekend. I'll be actually feeling the sun and wind and sand.... man, I've become pretty badass in my love of nature.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Bling Bling

So I've been looking around for phones lately. I don't need it... my phone is fine. But as I'm prepping to go to business school, I feel I can't go get an MBA without a fancy blackberry or iPhone. I know it sounds dumb... but I've been looking anyway. My issue... budget.

And then I came across THIS one, and I knew I'd found it.

An Austrian jeweler has doctored up this little ditty for us. Yellow and White Gold. 160 diamonds. Over 6 and a half carats. Clearly my 'budget' issue is all wrong! I can't find a good phone that's affordable enough... I need THIS one that's completely ridiculous! I mean, if I'm going to take out student loans to pay for a new computer and a new phone... why not up it to get a 2.5 million dollar one? And really, it's an investment. In 2 years, a 2009 3G iPhone won't be worth much. But 6.6 carats in diamonds? Ya... maybe still valuable. And the yellow and white gold? According to I can get more than I expect for my gold! And the prices are rising!

I'm sold. I'll skip the camouflage crock pot. I'll skip the moss bathmat. I'll even skip that convenient pee funnel that would bring gender equality to the universe. I'm gonna stick with the diamond encrusted phone. As long as I can set the ring tone to go "bling bling."

And hey - maybe I can lure Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Taylor Swift to the shininess and slyly make them fall into a hole and not resurface anytime soon. It'd be for the benefit of the universe really. Think of all the dumb celebrities I could save our nation from!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Man Oh Man

First, I'm bad at this daily thing. I should've named this blog "Ridiculous Product of Most Days"... alas, I did not. Nothing I can do now. However, if I'm feeling a little down and need a good pick me up, I CAN put on some control top panty hose and strut my hot stuff. It always makes a girl feel better to look awesome (even if it means being a bit confined). Lucky for you gentlemen, or dudes if you're more of that persuation, this option is coming your way.

Got a flubby tummy? Maybe even a muffin top? *gasp* No longer.

Ya, this tummy-tucking man girdle shirt makes you SO sexy that girls will not be able to keep themselves away from you. Of course, it's entire job is to conceal that gut you've acquired from downing a 30 rack of Budlights every weekend (I know, it's light... it's not weightless and we both know it). So I'm not really sure that this photo really shows you a good representation.
You know who SHOULD be modeling this product? NFL defensive linemen. That dude from King of Queens. The kid who did the Truffle Shuffle in The Goonies. Peter Griffin. Or these dudes...

Putting this shirt on a lean, muscly guy is just about as scientifically significant as putting Spanx on Giselle. I can be honest, I have a bit more tummy to keep in than she does. That's fine. Put a normal, softer woman on the ad to convince me that this product will make my tummy flat as a board. Same goes here. Don't show me a 6-packed dude to prove it can make my guy svelt. Put it on a round belly and see if it does the job (or at least makes an improvement). That's a real test.
Although honestly guys, would you realy wear this? I've found men don't like to be confined. I doubt that most guys even care about having a slight gut. Hot girls date pudgy guys ALL the time. Only pretty dudes from Long Island and Jersey would even consider these... and this would interfere with showing off their waxed and tanned pecks (gag me). I don't see this flying. Of course, it's a British product... so maybe those Euro dudes will sign on, but I'm betting it doesn't take off in the US. We love our fat dudes fat.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Airing out, without fresh air

Wooo life's been busy. My consistency here has been lacking. And just as a heads up, I won't be posting next Wednesday-Friday because I'll be basking in the warmth of FL sunshine (sorry... no time for blogging on vacation).

Of course for those of you stuck in cold weather areas, you may be dying of stale smelly house stuff (apparently this happens...?) and you won't want to open your windows and let even a smidgen of cold (yet fresh) air in... right? Problem solved.

No, these are not mini kegs, or salt and pepper shakers. Nope. These are alternate "plug-in" air fresheners (can't you tell?) At only 4 1/2 inches tall, these little buggers are water-based air filters. You fill them up and they pump your air through them. So you get the alluring sound of bubbling water (who doesn't love that going in every room of your house), as well as the chance to look at the dirty water once it's been filtering for a few days.

And I'm actually just petrified of the 'scents' that come with this. Any lemon-fresh scents made in China will not be circulating around my house. This cannot actually smell good, or fresh. I'm also kind of puzzled how circulating smelly air through crystal light scented water will serve to freshen my house with out making me unbearably nauseous. Whatever happened to opening a box of baking soda, or hell, just sucking it up and opening the window for five minutes. And I can't even begin to speak of the health hazards these could cause if senile grandpa thinks they're the salt and pepper (which they do look JUST like).

I think this product has convinced me that if we ever see a bio-terror attack, the terrorists may utilize our bizarre love of 'freshness' to distribute the poison. Poison Febreze, poison Lysol, poison scented Tilex spray... watch out you lovers of 'fresh' scents. Stick with the open windows yo.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Afternoon Delight... not like that, sickos

Well, perhaps you're as tired this afternoon as I am after an eventful, but not restful, weekend. If so... I have something to add to your purchase wish list. And thanks Adam for the product suggestion... I know you'd like one of these too some days. I want like 4... one for each finger, like brass knuckles, but squishy.
Pilo Pilo

So you're in class, or at your desk and it's about 1:30 and you get the post-lunch snooze button blues. Well, you might think about hiding in the bathroom (yes, I've been known to take a 2 minute shuteye break in the restroom... don't judge), or you could just lay under your desk... but it's a little obvious. But what if you could just lay down on your arm and have a plush little pillow to catch you? It would certainly make day dreaming quite comfortable (and cute... since you can get these pillow rings in any color under the sun). This softer side of bling is pretty cute actually.

Of course, logistically, this is perhaps a little much. I don't have $30 so that I can relax at my desk better. Obviously one can't fully sleep like this (even without considering that other people might not like that you're trying to sleep at work). I'm much better off putting my head down on the keyboard and just letting the imprints of the E through I keys linger on my forehead for the next hour or so. At least that way I can hide all the way behind the computer while I sleep. But it's a cute idea and the rings are actually pretty adorable. So it's not quite as outlandish as some other things we've seen out there.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Peelin' Out

So first, I apologize for the lack of posting yesterday. Work got hectic near the end of the day and I plain just forgot about posting. Oops! But luckily, today's product is weird enough for two days of weirdness.

Let's get right to it, shall we?

First, this is one of those AMAZING info-mercials which makes you realize just how hard you work as an upper middle class suburban adult. Man, peeling foods IS hard. I get blisters and cuts and open wounds all the time from the knife when peeling all those hundreds of pounds of potatoes for each meal for my 2 person family. And who even owns a peeler? So expensive! So hard to find in the kitchen! So untrustworthy! (probably invented by terrorists.)

Clearly you see the need for the Handy Peel. I have gloves to use when cleaning the bathtub, and gloves to use when I'm skiing, and gloves to protect my hands from hot pans in the oven, and gloves for doing the dishes (similar, but NOT to be mixed up with the bathroom gloves)... why not gloves for food preparation too? We love gloves here in America. And we love potatoes!

And what could go wrong about having a pair of gloves covered in small grating devices that can take the skin off of root vegetables? No one could get hurt there. Also, who doesn't want hands that look like Hell-Boy? I mean, if the kids are annoying you while you cook... a small "love pat" with one of these will quiet them I'm sure. Or leave years of very small scars... maybe both.

I think I'll pass on these too. I can use a peeler just fine (even if it is a terrorist weapon), and this set really just seems dangerous. Imagine confusing this pair with your hot mits... you'd scratch AND burn stuff. Also, the peeling of the carrots comes across (as some on youtube have noted) as a bit too sexual in nature for a TV ad. But it sure is funny. This is why America is great. And why I will never run out of junk to rave about.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

When Feminism Just Goes Too Far

So some people have proposed products I should write about that are... how do I put this... extremely personal in nature. And perhaps in the future I will address these (I better, right Christine?)... but for now, perhaps this will ween us into the idea of talking about these very personal habits and experiences.

Not to be confused with Go-gurt (which is also funny)

To clarify, yes, this a funnel so that girls can pee standing up. Yup. That's it. A disposable funnel. You pee in to the cup, while standing, and now you're as free as a man. Right? Right. (please take a moment here to be glad I spared you any instructional videos, both for marketing and usage.)

I think perhaps that even more than the absurdity of this product, I love the website. Just from the homepage is a favorite... when addressing the question of, well, who the heck would use this item? This is who:

"If you camp, you’ll love GoGirl. If you ski, you’ll love GoGirl. If you boat, you’ll love GoGirl. If you travel, you’ll love GoGirl. If you just want to avoid the germs you find in nasty public toilets, you’ll love GoGirl."

Ooo, well then I'll love GoGirl! My thing is, if you love to ski and can't manage to find a bathroom (man or woman)... you have issues. And if you boat... jump in the water and pee til your heart (or bladder) is content. And if you camp, well, then you learned how to squat a long time ago, like billions of women over the last few thousand years have. Do you think Sacajawea or Joan of Arc needed a GoGirl to do their business out in the wilderness? Probably not. I'll side with them over a pink funnel I think.

My other question is the marketing of this product. Tag line... "Because life's greatest adventure shouldn't be finding a bathroom." Well of course not. In fact, if you need one of these, you're probably already on a much more fascinating and enjoyable adventure. Also, it's actually quite more adventurous to just try to 'go' outside without a gadget. In addition - pink. Why pink? Why not just plain old white. Or yellow? Or green - is it 'green' friendly? I dunno, probably not due to it's disposable nature. It makes me think of breast cancer awareness ... and I don't want to pee on a cancer fundraising item.

Overall, this is an interesting idea. I suppose it does make some things easier. Certainly less gross in certain port-a-potty situations. But if you haven't learned to hover and squat by the time you're a grown woman, well, you need to slap your mom. These skills are part of the very few things EVERY mother much teach their daughter. I guess I'd probably skip this one, but if you're a germaphobe this may be the way to go. Just don't let anyone open the port-a-potty door on you. It would be totally weird to see a 'lady' standing up to go and not assume...well... you know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

You'll Poke Your (pet's) Eye Out!

First, hope you all had a fabulous President's Day. If you didn't have the day off.... well... sorry. Sucks to be you. I sat on the couch watching the History Channel (about the presidents, obviously) most of the day and it was wonderful. But alas, we're back to the grind now.
Now, I've talked about stupid pet products before. And I usually don't like to harp on the same thing too often, but I actually saw someone who used this product the other day and it astonished me.

As a background, let me say, it has been QUITE windy in Boston lately. And with all the salt/sand stuff they toss down when it snows, the roads are just covered in grit now that most of the snow/ice stuff has melted. Dirt and sand everywhere + wind = ouch! It really does whip up, and it really does hurt your face when it hits you. And you really should close your eyes. Luckily... your body automatically does this on its own. This is a basic mammalian instinct. So why dogs need help with this, I'm not sure. But one little Bostonian pooch did, and it was stupid.

I chose this picture instead of the more regal lab picture they have on the website because THIS is more similar to the type of dog I saw on the streets of Brighton. It also had a rain coat like get up on.. but we'll ignore even that for the purpose of mocking these doggie goggles. Now, I don't wear glasses. And I rarely even wear goggles when swimming (I'm still getting used to them)... and I seem to keep my eyes in tact just fine. I haven't poked them out, nor have I gotten any debris lodged in my eye.

But according to the site, you NEED doggles for a few reasons.
1. "Unlike ordinary sunglasses for dogs, Doggles actually protect dog’s eyes from
foreign objects, wind, and UV light."

- wind? really? you need to be protected from air? no.

2. "Dogs have a much wider nose bridge than humans, along with protruding eyes. You
need a goggle designed specifically to fit a dog's unique face structure."

- oh, so this is for all of you dog owners who have previously been SO consumed with protecting your puppies eyes from wind and sun that you've tried to latch a pair of swimming goggles on him... only to probably injure and annoy him.

3. "Vets and Vet Ophthalmologists all around the world
recommend our product."
- Ok, so there are Vet Ophthalmologists? Some of the brightest minds of our generation going to school for years upon years to look at your golden retriever's eyes? Really? We haven't cured cancer or AIDS or even world hunger and we have a whole career path based on the eye sight of pets? I dunno if I'm disgusted or amazed.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Sweeter than Sugar... should be for a grand

So for you 30 Rock watchers, this will make much more sense (if you don't watch, you should. Not home on thursdays? Watch it on whenever you like) Well as I was watching I wondered... could I really buy (and eat!) a dessert worth $1000? The answer... yes. Yes I can. In fact, about once a month someone does.

Seredipity 3 in NYC sells the sundae that is pretty directly alluded to in the most recent 30 Rock. And it's almost as silly as Jack says it is (although no, they haven't managed to have edible 25 carat gold.... only 23).
Opulence Sundae (the $1000 guilt trip)

Ironically, the rest of the menu is pretty modest. $9 appetizers, $20-35 entrees... not so bad. But once a month or so, someone calls 2 days in advance (yes, this is required) to require this dessert that costs more than my car is worth. The sundae is covered in 23-carat edible gold leaf (ya... for real. Can't get some jewelry from your husband for v-day... drown your sorrows by EATING it). And if you're not doing the whole "eat local" thing, that's good because it also has vanilla and chocolate from Tahiti, Madagascar and Venezuela (ooo international).

And don't think you're eating this out of grandma's icecream dish with a spoon licked by other patrons. No no. First it features a mother of pearl spoon of caviar. But you dont eat with this (God forbid... who eats caviar with icecream anyways? Ew). You eat your international ice cream out of a Baccarat crystal goblet (that you get to keep... in case you wanna plop some $4 Ben and Jerry's in it tomorrow) with an 18 carat gold spoon.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a little indulgence in the dessert realm. I may actually eat some cheesecake for dinner tonight (man that sounds good on my sore throat... maybe not for my diet though... hmmm). But $1000? Eating gold? Would that even be tasty? What wine do you order with gold? And I can't imagine getting it after an $11 BLT on Challah bread or a $14 "Chili-Cheese" Crepe. I don't think the metal would settle well. It certainly would give me wallet indigestion. I'll let you know how it is though when I marry rich, no worries.

Happy commercial love day everyone - have a good weekend!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hunka hunka burnin' love... meatlovers style

It's been under great discussion lately what it is about Valentine's Day that convinces so many people to play into it. Is it just the hype? Does it play upon our insecurities that we aren't loved as much as the next person? Do flowers and teddy bears and wearing heels and dresses out to an expensive dinner prove anything about the quality of our relationship? There's a lot of serious societal questions here. But one this is for sure... no matter why it happens, there are A LOT of Valentine's Day themed items out there.

Heart shaped paper clips, and candles, and notepads. Heart shaped wallets, and pillows, and of course candies. You can even go out to a nice dinner and order a heart shaped cake to stick your pretty little heart shaped diamond ring in if you're gonna pop the question.

Thankfully the pervasive shaping of our culture on Feb. 14th does not stop there. Wanna stay in with your honey on V-day? Or single and want to mope on the couch while watching When Harry Met Sally and crying quietly into your crappy delivery dinner? You can!

In case you can't read it... that's TWO heart shaped pizzas for $20 OR you can get dessert with a heart shaped piza for $15. Not a bad deal. I think I'm gonna buy one just so I can say I dissected a heart this weekend! Also, if you burn your tongue, you can just say you got heart-burn. Man, so punny.

But if you're too sad over your break up to cook... careful about ordering this lovey-dovey option. It's thin crust so it may not be able to hold up to your flood of tears. But it would be really fun to offer it to a friend by singing a little janis... 'take another little piece of my heart.' Too bad that "Pizza will not be cut to preserve novelty of Heart Shape."... man that's gonna be hard to eat in one big piece. Hahaha. Dumb, and I totally want one.

Bonus for the day...

So I think I'll be posting about a product later... but I wanted to offer you loyal readers a little bonus site to peruse of ridiculous foods. I'd suggest going through the entire site. There's only about 6 or 7 pages... but they are chock full of amazingly absurd foods and food combos...

Amazing! Enjoy! (Not to be consumed with Baconaise or Happy Meal Pizza... well.... maybe just ONE slice of Happy Meal Pizza...)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Stop looking at my laptop!

So these days I'm getting a lot of 'private' emails from graduate schools involving all kinds of 'sensitive' information from my social security number to my GPA to just about every thing I've ever done in my life (those applications are thorough!). So I can understand why one wouldn't want the guy in the next plush chair at Starbucks reading everything on your screen. And we can't all have those extra screens like at the clinic (have you seen these?) where everything looks blurry unless you're perfectly square to the screen. They seem a bit bulky. But this... man oh man... NOT a real invention.

So you remember those paper fans that little girls played with when you were 7? The ones that were usually covered in Japanese ladies and cherry blossoms and broke when you moved them? Ya... so imagine you designed a couple of these with whatever design you wanted (ooooooo...) and then had a company print 2 of them up for you so you could parade around with that pretty design hooked to your laptop! OR... imagine buying a bunch with your company logo on them and giving them out in some weird nerd conference swag bag (as if you'd know what size to buy everyone for their laptop... eh, probably just the 15" macbook pro is a good bet) and then when they use them, your (and I quote from the website) "logo will be the size of a grapefruit" and you'll be 'lapvertising' (btw... careful, the verb 'lapvertise' is a registered trademark of the Lapstix company, not something that may or may not happen at really low budget strip clubs).

Brilliant. It's what I've always wanted to carry around in my laptop case and be infinitly careful not to crush. Although on a day I want to look both rainbow colored and coy... in case I'm flirting with a hot individual at a gay pride parade (which I don't think would work out so well for me)... these would definitely come in handy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Text-eriffic Tools

First, thanks for bearing with me during these last few days I've had to take off from making fun of the world. Apparently being sarcastic and cynical all the time doesn't prepare you for viruses of death. But alas, I'm coming around finally. And thanks to some of y'all (ya, that's right, I said it), I have some great product suggestions stored up. (today is thanks to Will... I can't believe you actually got these as a gift).

Ya... so this product is to help you text. In case you're getting horrible pains from those 15,000 messages to your BFF Jill (or Rose... whichever), this will solve your problem. Instead of just putting down the freaking thing, you should slide on these rubber thumb slings and tap away. I think it's kind of like an ace bandage brace for your thumb. It's just to hold everything in place so you don't strain yourself. Which is great, because goodness knows there's a lot of straining and reaching to get to that 'Q' key on your blackberry. *Phew* what a work out! No need to go to the gym now, you've burned at least negative 2 calories texting for the last thirty minutes.

I'm also excited that now we can 'unleash the power' of our technological devices. This doesn't sound terrifying at all. Just saying, if you use these 'awe-thumbs' and your blackberry attacks you in your sleep, it's probably your fault for unleashing it. Very dangerous. Personally, I think Ill keep my devices well leashed, and perhaps, if I'm getting carpal tunnel from texting, i'll just turn off the phone and go talk to people in person. I know - I'm a radical.

And really - if you need a brace for your texting, how are you EVER going to win a good old fashioned thumb war? Lame.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Still under the weather... whatever that means.

Well, I was awake for a total of 16 hours this entire weekend and I'm still not well. That sucks. With such, I'm doing a half day at work, but will actually have to do a lot of work while I'm there. So, alas, another day without posted sarcasm :( However, I am opening this up. If you're just itching to mock some dumb item being hocked to the American (or really any) public, and you want to guest write. be my guest. Email me your write up at and when I need a day off, you'll get a guest spot. Holla.

Anyway, sorry for the delay. Hopefully I'll be back on my game tomorrow. Til then the only product I'm frequenting is Dayquil... ick.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Executive Veto Power

As I am the president of this blog, I am vetoing today. I'm sick, kinda bummed out in life, and at work. Therefore, today doesn't exist according to this blog. Aka, I'm not posting. Stupid germs.

Be back on Monday.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Whatever happened to hitchhiking with a simple napsack?

Traveling light may still be en vogue, but long gone are the days of traveling simply. Oh no no. We cannot travel with the things we already own (gym duffels for suitcases etc)... no. That is entirely un-American in it's conservationism. We must own traveling gear, obviously. Things specifically for travel, whether it's suitcases or carry-ons, or travel-sized toiletries with accompanying baggies and neck pillows for the airplane etc. etc. The list goes on. You know what I'm talking about. And in fact, there is an entire industry built around these travel accessories.

However, I think these two take the idea of travel 'convenience' a bit far.

Wow, ya, wrinkly ties are a huge problem. When at home, this is usually remedied by the frequent washing/dry cleaning of them after a day's use. And traveling/sitting in an airplane chair is really hard on the tie..... wait. No, it's not. And no one dry cleans their ties that frequently... meaning they must not get that wrinkly from normal use. And it's not like people usually store ties somewhere that they're going to get dusty or dirty... unless you have mud floors in your closet, in which case I think you have bigger issues than dirty ties. This is just dumb. You don't need a tie-protector. Put it in the garbage with your pocket protector...nerd.

Inflatable Hangers

Ok, so basically, for $6 (plus S&H of course) you get hanger shaped balloons with hooks on the end. Fine. Two things though... one, are hangers SO big you can't pack a couple? Not even 2? What are you squishing in that bag that you can't fit in 2 plastic hangers if you really need them. Second... um... where are you going where you need hangers but they're not provided? Is your mother-in-law a hanger hoarding troll? Are you bringing your Armani that MUST be hung but staying in a hanger-fre motel 8? I'm puzzled. Every hotel I've been in has hangers available and NO ONE ever uses them. My only idea for these is that if your kids get really bored, you could fashion them into floaties with some duct tape and throw them in the pool for a bit. Oooo and the hooks could make them pirates... that'd actually be pretty awesome. Other than that - no go. Need a hanger? Walk to a dry cleaners and grab a few for free. Done and done.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Things he doesn't want...

Well my favorite holiday for stupid consumerism is fast approaching... Valentines Day. Don't think I'm bitter. I'm not, I think love is grand. However, I have an issue with using a day as an excuse to a)ask someone on a date (suck it up and just do it when you like them) b) flowers costing WAY more than they already do. c) dress up and go somewhere fancy when you'd be just as happy cuddling at home after eating Wendy's. Just saying.

But with this lovely annual event comes great gift-giving ideas. I mean, you JUST figured out what to get your significant other for Christmas. Even if they didn't make you return it, you're certainly out of good ideas. But msn shopping has some suggestions for him and for her.

I chose to check out the "For Him"... and if you have some money, the "Over $100" section.
So, there are some decent gifts here. However, these three, no. Just no. If you want to buy this, don't. Just give your man a check for $100 instead. Or buy him $100 in beer. Something useful.
A collectable of course
A beer watch. A watch dedicated to BAD beer none the less. It could only be worse if you wanted to pay nearly $150 for a Keystone watch. Also, this is a huge waste of funds for your Bud-loving hubby. This could buy about fourteen 12-packs. That's 168 beers. Any dude would trade a watch for that many beers, but especially one so dedicated to the cause of drinking. This also does not say 'I love you' or 'Please romance me' - not one bit.

Alright, next up is this lovely leather jacket. Which, if the 'artwork' was not included, might be a nice gift for your badass man. But this... man, this is why I don't miss the South somedays (just SOME days).

I decided to give you the lovely artwork view. The rest just looks like a leather jacket. But this - this epic airbrushing of Robert E. Lee, loser of the Civil War... man, beautiful. Nothing says I'm so glad we have a bi-racial president like the support of the confederacy. Of course, perhaps your biker hubby has a giant pony tail, in which case, this might be obscured a little. And we can't just go hiding freaking Robert E. Lee under a tuft of nappy biker hair. SO... getting him this jacket may actually encourage him to get a hair cut. If so... I guess you can buy it.

Lastly, and my most favorite valentines day gift for him... this lovely sportsman ring.

SO many good things about this. First, YOU might be expecting a nice piece of jewelry on V-Day, but you can bet he's not. What a surprise! Second, if he punches someone, they'll get a bass imprint on their face. Alternately, if his finger swells after that huge brawl, he will have "Gone Fishing" on his finger... backwards. Just as cool as a tattoo. And really, what doesn't say success like a HUGE gold-plated ring with onyx inlay with a jumping fish on it? And (I quote) it "also features raised relief treble-hook lures on each side of the ring." AND it's available in 3 easy enstallments of $45 each. A lay away fishing ring. Why is this not at every Wal-mart worldwide?
This ring has so many benefits. And not one drawback I can think of. This is the mens Valentines Day gift of 2009 for sure.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Disposable Sunshine

Well, if you're like me (and odds are you're not because I'm remarkably unique... or weird, or something), you're gearing up for spring. And spring means trips away from the snowy cold and down to the beach (woohoo!) However, you're probably REALLY pasty from hiding indoors for the last, oh, 3 to 6 months. You may even feel that you've gotten so pale you have become translucent. But luckily, totally fixable in an extremely silly and convenient way. Don't fret, another Home Shopping Network treasure awaits you.

First, orange is a poor packaging color. We all know of this infamous orange glow (and I don't mean the As Seen on TV cleaning kind). This is not the thought you want to put in your consumer's minds when they're buying FAKE TAN. We don't want to look like... well... this.

It also should be noted that this doesn't last very long. It takes 4 hours and you have to reapply every couple days? How am I supposed to fit in my twice a day gym runs on a tanning schedule like that? Man, I'm never gonna hook up with a hot STD-laden frat boy like this!

Also, is it necessary to have all this packaging? I mean, I know it stains, so I kind of understand the disposable wipe thing. You'd end up throwing away whatever you use anyway (unless you just keep a tanning towel... not a bad plan), but the individually wrapped-ness of it? Dumb. These should not be packaged like other items, such as baby wet naps, condoms, or Emergen-C . Just saying. It would NOT bode well if confused with any of those options.... ew. Don't use your imagination.

In the end, this is apparently a horrible product. All reviews say it sucks and call for the return of the 'silver packet' ... whatever that might be. But if it makes me all shiny and glittery - i'll take it. At least then no one in sunny Florida will be able to see me in my bathing suit because they'll be blinded by my skin bling. Holla.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The basics of Tailgating

Well, football season is officially over. Not that REAL football season hasn't been over for awhile (*cough* college sports are infinitely better than pro *cough*... man, what a cold I've got!). But that just means that the seasons are changing. We're in the good part of college hockey (Beanpot! If you don't know what this is... wiki it or something... and Go Huskies! We have to win sometime, right?) and baseball season is right around the corner. And really, it's never too soon to be gearing up for the restart of college football (even if the Bulldogs are gonna suck because loyalty to teams is at an all time low - stupid selfish quarterbacks.). So in this vein, today is all about two products you're going to need to tailgate.
In case you're an amateur tailgater, let me explain. In some places (mostly where it's warm, but not necessarily), we like to go somewhere hours and hours before a game, get a decent parking spot, maybe a patch of grass or area in a parking lot, and we like to set up shop. I'm not talking a few lawn chairs. No. I mean full grills, tents, coolers, games of tag football, small-town socialization with those that you always meet at your set tailgating/parking area. So... to do this, we have some help.

One, the Cruzin Cooler

For one, Ellen featured this on her show. So that's cool. Second, this is an awesome way to make Grandma carry the beer. (well if she's gonna drink it, she should carry it, right?) If you're parking far away from your party site (perhaps you're joining friends with a bigger grill and better looking connections) this is a great way to get around. Favorite part? The acknowledgement you have to click on to get to the actual products on the website. You acknowledge, basically, that this is a cooler/powerwheels and not a real motor vehicle and that you shouldn't be an idiot on it. But if you are, you can't sue them. Bummer. But you can go 13 mph for up to 15 miles... on the electric (gas run cooler... ya, you heard me, gets up to 15 mph... on a cooler). BTW - don't let these run out of juice. They're like 60-100 lbs... Grandma certainly could not carry that home if the battery dies cause junior rode it around like a bronco.

THIS might be why your friends bought the scooter cooler. To get to your party if you're packing this kind of tailgating heat.

An entire outdoor kitchen

So... here it is. The full get up. Need a kitchen at your tailgating space, check. Also good if your wife kicks you out for being a drunken idiot, and you have to live in the backyard. Because you know what's behind that kitchen section? A door. To a sleeping area. That's right. Slide that futon mattress right in (no seriously, this is what they tell you to do) and rest comfortably. Just like in the 1950's when divorce was super taboo. How did Aunt Mertle put up with drunken Uncle Bob? She didn't. She put him in his camper cage and let him sleep it off. I particularly like the decor of it. Very retro. Almost cool even. And great for tailgating. I mean, sometimes you get sleepy pre-game. Perfect nap nook. Grill, eat, drink, nap, football - Awesome.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

WMD Alert... Air.

First, this is a bit tardy. However - it's with good reason. Newborn babies, especially those bearing my lovely name, take preference over blogging. But luckily today I have some time to make up for my lack of posting yesterday. And it's a great toy I plan to give little Amelia one day. So that she can, well, wind away bullies?
So basically this is the toy that hippie parents give their little boys. It's kind of sad actually. It touts itself as a toy that will 'blow people away'... but doing things like messing up their hair. No really, that's part of the description... messy hair. I just can't imagine little boys (who can make weapons out of ANYTHING) choosing this for their cowboys and indians or teenage mutant ninja turtle reenactments. An example of this attempt is as follows:

Billy: I'll get you, evil doer. You will pay.
Matty: HA! You can't hurt me.
Billy: Oh ya? I will WIND you to death *woosh woosh (from the AirZooka)*
Matty:... um... ouch My wind-blow hair? (picks up stick and pretend stabs Billy who falls down dead) Hahaha, evil wins again!

Ya, seriously, I'm all about non-violence and whatnot. But if you're going to let your kids play with 'weapon' like things, just let them pretend that sticks are swords or guns. This air gun deal just makes them look like sissies. And it's basically like carrying around a bucket with a piece of plastic and string on it. Hard to conceal until you come upon the bad guy. I mean, how can you sneak past the guards when your weapon of choice is larger than your head? Not good planning really.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Chopping Shopping Network

So I've been doing weightwatchers lately... to some success. Not that I'm obese, but ya know, it helps me eat better and know what I'm putting in my body. And of course the peak of diet-y health foods is salad. (of course, this doesn't count if you coat your salad in buttermilk ranch and throw in 3 types of lunch meats, eggs and a pound of cheddar... mmmm cobb salad...) anyways, salads. All the diet rage, for obvious reasons , which, if you need to hear all these glorious reasons, google 'eating raw.' Read literature from the crazies that go on about how eating raw foods is the way God intended it to be and how healthy they are... if it doesn't make you go raw and lose weight, it may make you go vomit up that ranch drenched salad because of how hippie ridiculous they are. Either way really.

Lucky for us, there is a tool to make those tragically difficult salads easier. I mean, who can use a knife AND cutting board to make a meal? SO exhausting! And don't you ALWAYS cut yourself trying to cut tomatoes? Me too! What a pain. No one wants bloody tomatoes (unless you often serve vampires, in which case, stick with what you're doing) But for the rest of us the home shopping network's got it covered.

FreshPrep Toss & Chop Salad Tool
(what a mouthful... and we haven't even made the salad yet!)
Ok, so what we have here is a combination of: kitchen sheers, garden pruners, a scoop and TWO knives. Now I can kind of see sheers... if you're cutting raw meat. But you're not. And the spring is straight from the small hedge trimmers my grandmother prunes her roses with... not kitchen worthy or needed. The scoop? So you can scoop up stuff in the bowl to then chop it, because God forbid we use that $2 cutting board we all own. And the double knives? Well... just for looks really.
I'd HIGHLY suggest watching at least a few minutes of the video on the site though. The best part is how excited they are! Look, it's fun! I've never seen ANYTHING like this! WOW, you can mix and cut in one bowl? Chopped salad JUST like a restaurant! It's really amazing how little it takes to amaze us. Heck, for 17 dollars, plus 6 dollars shipping in handling, I'll just head over to Chili's and have someone chop my salad for me. Problem solved.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's not easy being green

For me, 'going green' is kind of tough. I mean, I drive a high mpg car (my little '96 civic is still doing just fine), and I use public transportation a lot, and I recycle. Those are easy. But buying greener cleaning products, and using rags and not paper towels (which I then have to pay over $3 a load to wash) just isn't happening right now. It's too expensive. Even just literally 'greening' my apartment I bought all our tiny house plants at Ikea for $2. But ya know, I've always loved the idea of having carpet that is grass (ever since I read Stranger in a Strange Land - read it if you haven't, it's good). And now, I can toss out my nasty bath mats and have just that!

Doesn't that look plush? Well... it probably is. And mossy. Cause, well, it's moss. It is made of bumps of 3 different types of moss in order to make that aesthetically pleasing pattern of light greens, dark greens and white spots (glamorous and artistic). Sadly, it only works in the bathroom because it needs a lot of moisture (I'd like to keep it everywhere).

But I do have one big issue with it... when I get in, it's fine. If I get a little moss between my toes, well, who cares? Feels neat and I'm showering anyways. But what about when you get out? Even if there's no dirt... there is no way I won't get moss stuck to my feet. And that mossy smell too. Ew... I mean, why did I just wash those toes? They're just gonna smell like dirty mold from my rug anyways right? I mean, we have enough problem trying not to traipse snow water and salty sand gunk though the house. Imagine if every time I got out of the shower I walked in mossy mushy green stuff? Makes grass stains look easy to get out of socks, that's all I gotta say.

Still.... it's very cool. If only we could get that wall to wall carpet grass thing rockin, I'd totally be into it. That way the moss stains wouldn't matter! And hey - you'd know if your boyfriend hadn't been showering regularly if his moss was dying... a good red flag for grossness in a friend. Perhaps a good gift for that dirty hippie you want to encourage to bathe just a tid bit more often.

(by the way, thanks Adam for the tip... and for your nerdy articles about weird stuff! If I lived in Augusta GA, I'd be bored too...:P)