Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Marsupial Momma (or Pouch Papa)

This... this is just an interesting product. It's hitting all the blogs now, so you may have just seen it. But I'm going to cover it anyway because, well, it's a horrible take on a great idea. May I introduce to you... the Peekaru.


So in Malawi, women carry their kids (although on their back, not front) in large fabric wraps called chitejes. In fact, this is pretty common all over Africa and traditionally  a very normal way to carry kids in nearly all cultures. I get that. Your arms get tired. I've even seen the front packs for little ones. Hilarious but awesome. My deal here is... why must this a) be fuzzy fleeze. b) be a vest c) be as long as the child?

This has to be extremely hot. And that baby on the left looks terrifying. It's like you've never birthed the kid. It's just peaking out a little window in your belly that now holds a 3 year old. I just don't get why we need all these strange contraptions. For thousands of years we've made a sling out of cloth and been on our merry way. Now we want to be marsupials or something. We're not marsupials. If God wanted us to have a pouch, we would have one (and weird fat flaps when you're obese is NOT what I'm talking about). We dont' need to turn ourselves into furry pouched creatures to love and care for our kids. Stay strong moms - stay human and carry your kids a similar manner. I believe in you... fight those strong marsupial desires and tendencies!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Oh Japan... you are great

Wow I've gotten lazy. I swear, soon I will return to my sarcasm and mockery of products. But for now, I'll share this.   Top Ten Crazy Japanese Products (as if anyone could REALLY pick 10... but they're ones I haven't seen, so they're worth a look). 

I'm frolicking in the midwest for the next 2 weekends, and working in between, but hopefully I'll get some posted next week. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Making math fun!

I haven't been very good at posting as I've been all scattered... and today is no different. But I will share a sample from a website I particularly like called New Math.

hehehe... check out the site. There are a ton of good ones. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

More relaxation from SkyMall

Well, first, here's Fox News' list of top dumb inventions. I generally don't trust Fox News for much information, but this seems like something they might be alright at ranking. There are a few good ones (I like the battery powered battery charger myself). 

But none of these are as good as SkyMall relaxation tools. We had the mind spa. Now, onto the...

I really don't need to say much about this, do I? Basically, you hook up this jock strap around your chin and neck. Then you hoist the attached cord over a pulley connected to a door. Then you pull. OH! Be sure to grab a chair (not included). Otherwise, you'll probably get a really great neck adjustment and also hang yourself. 

It's pretty morbid, but I'm thinking they should sell this in black, with some studs no it. Really draw in that emo market/goth rock market in.. um...neck adjustments....or something. Was that insensitive?

Anyways, I've been brainstorming about what else this could do if you weren't feeling remarkably suicidal but had bought this product because, well, you were before. Maybe it would be a decent neck/ear warmer for skiing. Or.. um... a dog walking harness for your shitzu. Or... you could fashion it into some kind of brace if you twisted your ankle hiking. That's it really. I can tell you, that is NOT on my wish list for my birthday. Although, if you got it for me, it sure would send a clear, Godfatheresque message that we were no longer friends. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Relax, it's the weekend... for only $349.95

Now some people have a nice drink to relax. Maybe watch a movie and cuddle on the couch.  Even with a major trip behind you, and lots of jet lag, many would just sleep at the correct time, eat right, and exercise to readjust. But really - is this good enough for you? Aren't you better than that? I know I sure am. Which is why I'm expecting you all to buy me one of these for my birthday (which is July 25th for all you who don't have it on your calendar yet).

Another genius idea from SkyMall... this is the end all be all in personal relaxation. But honestly, it's pretty ambiguous about what the heck it does. But here are a few features:
- "includes a pair of glasses that have 12 white LEDs embedded into the inside face, surrounding your orbital lobes with an array of gentle, pleasing light" ... so the most relaxing thing we can think to make ourselves view is our own UFO sighting? I don't think bright pulsing patterns will help me relieve stress. 
"the lights and the soundscapes are set to match four frequencies--beta, alpha, theta, and delta--which oscillate between 1-30 Hz to help improve concentration" K... so now we have these programmed light/audio sets that last up to 25 minutes in different frequencies? So I see pulsating orb-y lights around my temples and hear droning pitches for half an hour ... at decibels loud enough to drown out jet engines? And again... I'm relaxed? 

I'm pretty sure this thing would just make me trip out. Now, I've never done any hallucinogenic drugs, but I'm pretty sure I could get some for less than $350. And really, this is just your own personal LSD riddled laser show I'm pretty sure. Man, you SkyMall hippies. You would think of this. You would. 

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Whole new meaning to 'Grandma does needlepoint'

So, I'm back. In fact, I've been back for a couple days. But they've been VERY eventful, so I didn't blog. I've been busy getting into graduate school and getting scholarship and the like. So that's cool. Of course, the same day I got a merit based scholarship, I lost one of my gym sneakers in my apartment and have yet to find it (after more than an hour of digging through my room...) so my real intelligence is still up for debate. But nevermind that. 

As you know, I've been doing a little flying. And when you fly, you get bored of sitting. Inevitably you look in the seat pocket in front of you, ignore the barf bag and the safety card (which one serves to freak you out that you're a few miles in the air), and pick up SkyMall. SkyMall is fabulous and full of silly things. The next few posts will be dedicated to the glory of Sky Mall. 

"Be your own acupuncturist. Diagnose and heal yourself and your family"

One might guess that in a SkyMall magazine, I could scan right past this. It looks generic and harmless. It could be an mp3 player, an insulin tester, a travel alarm clock... no big deal. But the tag line. Does this seem like a good plan? Not only are you being a therapist of something you have no training in, you are being TOLD to diagnose yourself. I mean, alternative medicine is one thing, but skipping out on all trained doctors all together? Doesn't seem smart. Or safe. And why am I being told this while I'm on a plane? 

Also, this doesn't involve needles. Which I'm pretty sure is the point of acupuncture. Mostly I get this from the puncture part of the word. This is more acupressure. Or acu-shock. Since that's what this gadget does. It helps you relieve blocked 'qi' but finding your 'qi spots' (with hand map sent with kit) and zap them with a charge. 

Ya know, I could just blow up this hand picture in the magazine, get my hand damp and stick a 12 volt to it right? Clear up my 'Qi' real fast. Done and done. Equally as dumb and probably equally as healthy. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Beach Shelter

So I'm going to Florida tonight and I cannot wait to play in the sun at the beach. If I'm not playing paddle ball or swimming around, I'm probably napping in the sun or making innappropriate jokes with the girls. All good things. You know why these are fun to do at the beach? Because it's sunny and warm, and there's water to play in. You know what destroy's the entire point of being at the beach?

SPF 50 roof. 11' by 11' large. You don't touch the sand. You don't feel the sun. You close the screens and you can't even really feel the wind. Sooo... basically we could just pick you up, put you in a parking lot (bonus: less screaming children and lifeguards whistling in the parking lot), and you'd be happy. And we pay 1000's of dollars for beach front resorts etc. just so we can be 'inside'? Why not just stay inside, crank up the heat and pretend you're enjoying some summer fun? Of course, this tent won't even fit in my apartment it's so big... so perhaps I'll just bring it out to my parking lot out back. Maybe I can get the tent towed for 'parking' in someone elses spot even. That'd be an awesome adventure.... possible asphalt burn though.

Anyway, I will not be using a full beach tent this weekend. I'll be actually feeling the sun and wind and sand.... man, I've become pretty badass in my love of nature.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Bling Bling

So I've been looking around for phones lately. I don't need it... my phone is fine. But as I'm prepping to go to business school, I feel I can't go get an MBA without a fancy blackberry or iPhone. I know it sounds dumb... but I've been looking anyway. My issue... budget.

And then I came across THIS one, and I knew I'd found it.

An Austrian jeweler has doctored up this little ditty for us. Yellow and White Gold. 160 diamonds. Over 6 and a half carats. Clearly my 'budget' issue is all wrong! I can't find a good phone that's affordable enough... I need THIS one that's completely ridiculous! I mean, if I'm going to take out student loans to pay for a new computer and a new phone... why not up it to get a 2.5 million dollar one? And really, it's an investment. In 2 years, a 2009 3G iPhone won't be worth much. But 6.6 carats in diamonds? Ya... maybe still valuable. And the yellow and white gold? According to Cashforgold.com I can get more than I expect for my gold! And the prices are rising!

I'm sold. I'll skip the camouflage crock pot. I'll skip the moss bathmat. I'll even skip that convenient pee funnel that would bring gender equality to the universe. I'm gonna stick with the diamond encrusted phone. As long as I can set the ring tone to go "bling bling."

And hey - maybe I can lure Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Taylor Swift to the shininess and slyly make them fall into a hole and not resurface anytime soon. It'd be for the benefit of the universe really. Think of all the dumb celebrities I could save our nation from!